All Falls Into Place
by Lucy H
Summary: [Holby City] Sequel to One Road To Choose.
1. Visiting Times

All Falls Into Place

_Bleep, bleep, bleep_…

"Sorry," Ric mumbled to Diane, as his pager went off.

"Turn it off quickly," she replied, more awake than he. "You'll wake Livie."

"Too late," he commented, as Olivia started crying. "I'll get her," he added, as Diane began to get up. He brought the baby back, and handed her to her mother.

"Shh…" Diane soothed the baby, rocking her gently. Soon her cries had died down to whimpers, and she was lying back sleepily. 

"Gotta go," Ric told Diane, kissing her and Olivia quickly. "Can't keep my first patient in three weeks waiting, can I?" After Olivia's birth, Ric had taken a few weeks off to help Diane, who had been afraid of not being able to cope with her new baby. But now, she felt confident as a mother, and Ric was gladly returning to work. Diane herself would be going back in two months. She wasn't sure that she was looking forward to it – before Olivia had been born, four months away from work had seemed like an eternity, especially to the career-minded woman Diane had been. But now, all she cared about was her daughter. 

"See ya… when will you be home?" Diane queried.

"Sometime," Ric replied. "You know how it is."

"Poor you." Diane laughed. "Have fun, babe."

"You too," Ric said, leaving the room. Diane cuddled her daughter for a few minutes more, and then put her back in her cot. It was five o'clock – if she was lucky, she'd have another hour's sleep. But for now, she was perfectly content just to stand and watch Olivia sleeping. Nothing in life was more perfect than this.

*~*~*

Joanna Whitten, Tom Campbell-Gore, Mr Campbell-Gore, Anita Forbes, J. Whitten, Dr Anita Campbell-Gore… Anita flicked through the post rapidly, smiling when she came to the last letter. She still got a little rush whenever she heard herself called Anita Campbell-Gore. She didn't like the name particularly – in fact, if she was being honest, she'd much rather be called Anita Forbes – but it was what the name stood for. She'd married Tom nearly two weeks previously, and she still couldn't believe it.

"Jo, letters for you," she announced, walking into the kitchen, where Josie was gulping down some coffee and trying to eat cornflakes at the same time. 

"Thanks," Josie replied, through a mouthful of cereal, as she took the letters. She opened them and sighed. "Junk, and… junk. Do I care that I could win a brand-new car?"

"You should," Anita commented. "That thing you call a car is definitely on its last legs."

"You can talk – when was the last time you washed your car, Nita?"

"Tom washed it last week." Anita looked at Josie, as if to say 'so there'.

"I asked when _you_ last washed it," Josie replied. 

"I know you did. But I don't need to wash it, because Tom always volunteers." Anita opened her second letter. "That's a big phone bill."

Josie craned her neck to look. "Well, the amount of time you spend talking to Dad…"

"He calls me most of the time."

Josie grabbed the piece of paper. "Hmm… in that case, how often do you talk to him? Because you've called him thirty times in the last month."

Anita snatched the bill back. "Thank you." 

"Morning, ladies," Tom greeted his wife and daughter. 

"Hey," Josie replied. "My turn in the bathroom?"

"Go ahead." Tom waved her away.

"Thanks!" Josie called, racing down the hall, on the off chance that Anita decided she wanted to get in first.

"Hell," Anita mumbled, leafing through her diary.

"You alright?" Tom queried, concerned.

"I'm not sure." Anita turned back a few pages in her diary. "I don't have any patients today, you know."

"None?"

"No. I'm on call, though." She turned some more pages. "Yeah… no, wait a moment, that can't be right…"

"Is this is private conversation, or is your husband allowed to join in?" 

"If he really wants to." Anita looked up. "Forget it." 

"So, are you going in today? Do you want a lift?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure. When are you leaving?" She picked up his letters and handed them to him. "By the way, these are yours."

"Thanks. We can go now, if you want."

"Sure." Shouting goodbye to Josie, they left. And, a few minutes later, when Josie had clattered out of the front door to go to work, the house was in silence.

*~*~*

"Ric!" Kath called. Ric had just finished his first operation of the day – it was different without Diane, he thought.

"Hi Kath."

"How's Diane? And the baby?"

Ric laughed. "They're fine. And I should warn you, Diane prefers it if people call the baby Olivia."

"Okay, I'll try and remember that," Kath smiled. "Oh, and I promised Diane I'd visit tonight, is that alright with you?"

"Of course," Ric replied. "I'm starting to feel as though my life revolves around feeding and changing Olivia – or rather, watching Diane feed and change Olivia. Apparently I'm not allowed to."

Kath laughed. "I seem to remember acting like that when Danny was born." She passed him a piece of paper. "Jason Warwick, nineteen, liver damage."

"Thank you. Where is he?"

"Bed five." 

Ric walked over to the young man in the bed, Kath following. "Jason, long time no see."

"Mr Griffin, hi." Jason looked around. "Where's that nice girl who normally follows you around?"

Ric chuckled. "Diane? She's on maternity leave at the moment." He looked at Jason's notes. "So, what happened to you?"

Jason shrugged. "One moment I was in my car, the next moment I was in here. I passed out and caused a nice little smash."

"Well done. Any pain?" Ric queried.

"I'm drugged up to the eyeballs. But wait 'til my dad gets here… when he hears that I wrote my car off, then there'll be pain." Jason laughed. Ric checked him over quickly, and then moved away to talk to Kath.

"I'm amazed how he can keep laughing, to be honest, Kath. I've been seeing him off and on for ten years now, and each time he's worse."

"Is it that serious?" Kath queried, looking worried.

"I'm afraid so. I'm impressed that he's managed to hang on this long," Ric replied. "Diane and I saw him a few months ago, and we gave him until Christmas. He's a fighter, that's for sure."

Kath nodded. "What are you going to do for him?"

Ric sighed. "There's nothing we can do. It's just a matter of waiting, I'm afraid."

"Surely you can do something?" Kath pressed. "He's so young!"

"I know, Kath, but I wouldn't say it unless it was true. You know that." Ric sighed, and began to walk away. He'd known Jason a while, and liked him. It was a wrench to see him like this.

*~*~*

"Anita, are you alright?" Tom queried of Anita. They were just about to pull into the car park of Holby City Hospital, and she didn't look very well.

"Yeah… I'm fine. Just… it's a bit warm in here, isn't it?" 

Tom gave her a funny look. "It's four degrees outside, it's the middle of January, and the heating isn't working." 

"Yeah." Anita blew air up into her face, and tried to look normal. She took a deep breath as the car drew into a parking space.

"Are you feeling faint?"

"No, no… just travel-sickness, that's all." She shook her head, trying to get rid of the sick feeling.

"It's a ten minute journey, Anita," he replied, looking concerned. 

"Maybe I'm getting the flu then. I don't know, Tom, I'm a psychiatrist." She sounded sharper than she'd meant to, and she mentally kicked herself. 

"Alright. I only asked." He seemed hurt, and Anita cursed herself.

"Sorry."

"Do you want me to take you home? If you're sick, you shouldn't be working."

Anita laughed. "Oh, yeah, and how many times is the on-call psych actually called? I'll sit in my office all day and do nothing. You know that."

"Lucky for some," Tom replied, laughing, as they got out of the car.

*~*~*

Diane swore as the doorbell rang, and Olivia, rudely awakened, began to scream. Mitsy, startled by the sudden noises, dug her claws into Diane's leg, and Diane dropped the dirty washing back into the laundry basket. It was amazing how much extra washing one baby could make, she thought. She wondered idly how people with twins coped. 

"Just a minute," she called as the doorbell rang again. She picked up the wailing baby, and headed for the door, Mitsy still clinging to her jeans. She struggled to open the door with one hand, but eventually managed it. 

"Hi!" Chrissie said, chirpily. Diane almost laughed. Only Chrissie could cause this much commotion. 

"Hey… come in," she added, opening the door wider, as she tried to soothe Olivia's cries.

"Bad time?" Chrissie queried, politely, as she took Amanda out of her buggy and came in. 

"It wasn't." Diane gave a sigh of relief as Olivia subsided. They entered the living room – normally quite plain, but at the moment, covered in all things pink. Flowers, balloons, and "It's a Girl" cards had been sent by everyone that Diane knew – and some that she didn't. She had expected the cards from Kath, Lisa, Mubbs, and even Tom and Anita, but had been shocked to find that Robbie had told all of Steve's family. Of course there were no cards from her own family, she didn't have any, but if the amount of presents, cards, and good wishes from Steve and Ric's families were anything to go by, Olivia was never going to feel the loss of Diane's family.

Chrissie cringed. "Did I wake her?"

"You could say that. Never mind. It's nice to see you, by the way," Diane commented, sinking into a chair and detaching the cat from her leg. "Ow… that's better."

"I'm sorry I haven't been before, but Katie was off school, and then Manda had flu, and then Owen got it – he's such a baby when he gets ill – and I've had my hands full for a while," Chrissie said, apologetically. "I meant to visit you in hospital, but I didn't want to risk it, 'cause I wasn't sure if I'd catch the flu, and I'm sure you didn't want to have it – or worse, to have the baby have it."

"Thanks," Diane replied, smiling. "Is everyone better now?"

"Manda's fine… look at her!" Chrissie remarked, laughing at Amanda, who was rapidly crawling away from her mother. She caught her, and placed her firmly on her lap. "Owen might as well have had pneumonia, for all the fuss he made."

Diane bit back a sarcastic comment. "Ric's like that." She waved her hand towards the kitchen. "The amount of medicine he has in there – just in case, of course."

Chrissie glanced idly at Diane's hand as she waved it, and then let out an exclamation. "What's that?"

"What?" Diane asked, innocently.

"That!" Chrissie pointed at the ring Diane wore.

"Oh, that?" Diane smirked. 

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Ever so much." Chrissie glared, and Diane decided to tell her. "We-ell… if you really want to know, Ric and I are engaged."

"Oh my God!" squealed Chrissie. "Since when? How did it happen? Tell me everything!"

Diane smirked complacently. "Christmas Day. I'd just had Olivia, and we were discussing names, and he told me that he wasn't going to let me keep the name Lloyd forever."

Chrissie ooh-ed and aah-ed enough for Diane's liking. "Who have you told yet?"

"Well, Jess, of course…"

"How did she take it?" Chrissie queried.

Diane laughed. "Really, really well. She's called me 'mummy' ever since, though." She glanced down at the ring. "And she keeps dropping hints about the fact that if and when she marries Alex, I would be his mother-in-law. Which, by the way, is quite a scary thought."

Chrissie giggled. "Well, of all the possible ways I ever thought you might end up related by marriage to Alex Adams, mother-in-law was not one of them."

"What do you mean by that?" Diane asked.

"Well, there was a time that you could barely take your eyes off him," Chrissie recollected.

"Oh yeah." Diane glanced at a photo of Ric on the mantelpiece. "He is quite cute, I must admit, though. But I prefer Ric."

Chrissie laughed. "Well, I don't understand what you see in either of them. I prefer Owen."

"How's it going between you two?" Diane questioned, lying back on the sofa. "Ahh… I'm tired!"

"I remember those early days," Chrissie replied, in a tone that suggested 'those early days' had been hundreds of years ago, and not just a matter of months previously. "Owen and I are doing fine, thank you. Never been better… of course, I think the fact that we've got Manda and Katie, that helps an awful lot. And then, well, of course, I'm pregnant, we're all delighted about that."

"You're pregnant?" Diane repeated loudly, causing Olivia to whimper in protest.  

Chrissie smiled, mimicking Diane's own expression from earlier. "Yup. Eight weeks… I found out just before Christmas. Made it into Owen's present."

"Congratulations," Diane said, readily. "What does Owen think?"

"Thrilled. He's always wanted a big family… I can see his point, actually. I think I'd quite like a few more," Chrissie commented, casually.

"Wow, Chrissie Williams, wanting children – never thought I'd see the day!" Diane giggled.

"Firstly, it's Chrissie Davis, I am married you know. And secondly, you're a fine one to talk – you've suddenly become very family-orientated, haven't you?" Chrissie retorted.

"Well, blame Olivia for that. And I suppose I understand you… I'd love to have another one," Diane confessed. "Not sure what Ric will say when I tell him."

"Why? He was fine with Olivia, wasn't he?"

"Yeah, but Olivia was part and parcel with me. She's not his, you know." Diane glanced down at the sleeping baby. "Not that you'd know, from the way he treats her."

"She's not his? Whose is she, then?" Chrissie queried, curiously.

"You don't know?" Diane was shocked. She thought everyone had known that Steve was Olivia's father… then she remembered. Chrissie had been so involved with her problematic pregnancy at that point.

"No," Chrissie replied. "Is she Alex's?"

Diane laughed. "Chrissie, look at Olivia, and tell me one reason why Alex cannot be her father."

Chrissie shot Diane a quizzical look, but realisation quickly dawned. "Oh. Yeah. So, tell me, then!"

"Steve," Diane said, simply, preparing herself for the questions she knew that Chrissie would ask. She was right… Chrissie wanted to know everything. Diane settled back in her chair, and began to explain.

*~*~*

Anita closed her eyes and leant back in her chair, trying in vain to stop feeling ill. Travel sickness… how could it have been travel sickness? It was a ten-minute journey; she'd done it millions of times before… slight exaggeration, perhaps, but still… And before she'd lived with Tom, she'd had an even longer journey. She had never suffered with travel sickness, not even as a child. She had never been sick easily… it was probably flu. That was what it was. Yeah. Josie had had the flu recently, and Anita must have caught it. What else could it be? She opened the window and took a deep breath of air – not fresh air, this was Holby after all – but it was air, and the cold felt good on her face. She drank in the air, and was feeling slightly better when her pager started beeping. "Just what I need," she muttered, standing up and heading off.

*~*~*

"Jason's parents are here," Kath announced, as Ric walked past. "They want to speak to you."

Ric sighed. "I hate this part." He walked over to Jason's room, though, and smiled at Jason's family.

"Mr Griffin," Jason's mother said, uncertainly.

"Lorraine, Mike, hi," Ric greeted them, forcing himself to look optimistic.

Jason smiled weakly. "Tell me the worst, then, Mr Griffin." He gestured to the young woman standing next to him. "This is Janina. We're getting married next week."

"Nice to meet you," Ric replied weakly. Getting married? He couldn't believe it. And he had to tell Jason, and his parents, and his fiancée, that he was going to die. This was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. 

"So then, gimme the verdict, Mr Griffin." Jason smiled confidently, and Ric almost couldn't do it.

"There's been a chance that this could happen for years, Jason," Ric said, slowly. "I'm sorry to have to tell you."

Fear, sadness, heartbreak, and terror… they all crossed Jason's face in a mere second. But he tried to look nonchalant. "Oh." Janina was crying softly, and Jason rubbed her arm. "Don't cry, Nina."

Jason's mother was crying, and his father was looking crushed. "Is there… nothing… no hope?" Jason asked, softly.

Ric shook his head. "Short of a miracle, I'm afraid not. I'm so sorry, Jason."

Jason nodded. "That… that's okay." He looked bravely up at Ric. "How… how long… until… How long have I got?"

"Not long. Days, at most." Ric fought back tears – how could Jason take this so bravely? He felt his way out of the room, and leant against the wall, breathing heavily. Lorraine and Mike Warwick followed him. Mike shook his hand.

"I want to… to thank you, Mr Griffin. You've given Jace life that he wouldn't have had otherwise."

"Don't thank me," Ric sighed. "I'm sorry for what you're going through today."

Lorraine smiled bravely. "Don't be. I know that Jason should have gone years ago… you gave him years, Mr Griffin. And, I want you to know that… well… we will _always_ thank you for that. Don't feel guilty, please."

*~*~* 

Anita found herself in Maternity… she'd been paged by a Mr Hussein. She looked around curiously – she'd never been here before. Just as she was wondering where exactly to go, someone caught her arm.

"Dr Forbes? Mr Hussein," he introduced himself. "Call me Mubbs," he added, flashing her a smile. 

"Okay. But, ah, you've got my name wrong. I'm Anita Campbell-Gore. Nice to meet you," she added.

"Campbell-Gore?" Mubbs repeated. "Are you his daughter or something?"

"His wife, actually," Anita replied, smiling. "So… the patient?"

Mubbs sighed. "Yeah. Erm, a young couple, Leah and Paul, it's their first child, and they've just found out that it has various defects."

"What kind of defects?" Anita queried. "And what do you want me to do?"

"Well, they're having trouble coming to terms with this. They need to speak to someone, to make a decision about what to do next." Mubbs pointed into the room where a young couple were sitting silently. The woman looked to be about six months pregnant.

"What kind of defects?" Anita asked again. "I need to know a bit about this before I go barging in, you know."

Mubbs nodded. "Alright. Erm, spina bifida… do you know what that is?"

Anita thought. "Yeah, it's something to do with the neural tube, isn't it?"

"Yeah. It's quite serious, though… it means that the neural tube hasn't closed properly, and, basically there are different degrees of it, we can't tell until the baby is born, but it can mean anything from a slight weakness to being paralysed and brain-damaged."

"And what are their options?"

"Basically, they can carry the baby to term and keep it or have it adopted, have an abortion, or induce labour now." Mubbs nodded. "Is that all you need to know?"

Anita considered. "Yeah, for now, I suppose. If I think of anything else, I'll ask." She headed into the room, followed by Mubbs.

"This is Anita," he introduced her. "She's a therapist, and is here to help you come to a decision."

"Hi." Anita smiled falsely, not sure what she could do at all. She had no experience of parenting; she didn't know what they were going through. She was Josie's stepmother, that was true, but Josie was more like a friend, or a sister, not a daughter.

Mubbs left the room quietly, and shut the door behind him, and Anita was left alone with the couple. She sat down on a chair, and gestured for them to begin.

*~*~*

Tom and Ed were in theatre, but Tom was distracted.

"You alright?" Ed queried.

"I'm worried about Anita," Tom replied. "She doesn't seem very well."

"Flu, probably. Didn't you say Josie had it recently?" Ed commented. 

"Yeah." Tom nodded, and tried to put it out of his mind. "How are things going between yourself and Tricia Williams, then?"

Ed smiled. "Great. She's amazing." He paused, and glanced down at the patient. "Do I tie this off?"

"That's right."

"Ah…" Ed squinted for a moment, and then nodded. "Okay. Like that?"

"Well done." Tom inspected it closely. "That's very good, actually. I'll have to be careful; you'll be giving me a run for my money soon."

"That's what I'm aiming for," Ed agreed. "Anyway, Tricia. Yeah, she's amazing… Chrissie isn't too pleased, though. Nor Owen."

"Can't imagine why," Tom muttered, checking the monitor.

"We're ready to come off bypass now," Zubin, standing in the corner, announced.

"Okay," Tom agreed.

"What about you and Anita?" queried Ed. "How's married life treating you?"

Tom considered. "Actually, it's not that different to just living with her. Don't tell her I said that, though!" he added quickly.

"Well, I've barely ever spoken to her, so chances are that I won't."

"Good. Do you want to finish up?"

*~*~*

"I'd better go," Chrissie sighed, hauling herself out of the chair. "I need to get Manda home for her lunch."

Diane nodded. "Okay." She glanced at the clock. "My goodness, midday already?" 

As Chrissie fastened Manda into her buggy, Diane saw a familiar figure wandering up the driveway. "Alex, hi!"

"Diane, Chrissie," Alex greeted them. "Thought I'd drop by and say hello… I'm bored, you see."

Chrissie laughed. "I'd love to stay, but Miss Manda will be complaining if she doesn't get something to eat soon. See ya!" With that, she left.

"Come in," Diane offered, holding the door open. "How are you?"

"Fine thanks… what about you?" Alex sank into a chair.

"Great. Well, knackered, actually, but you know…" 

"Knackered? Is this the same Diane Lloyd who does three shifts in a row?" Alex teased.

She groaned. "No. This is the Diane Lloyd who has a newborn baby and hasn't slept in three weeks." Olivia's wails were heard over the baby monitor. 

Alex laughed. "I can see why."

"She's obviously finished her nap, then. Come and see her," Diane suggested, pulling herself up from the chair and heading for the stairs. "Ugh… I need to talk to Ric about getting a lift installed."

"Lazy."

"Huh. You try walking up these stairs twenty times a day, whenever her highness decides she wants something." Diane pushed open the door, and gently removed Olivia from her cot. "Mind you, not that I want her to go without. Hey angel," she added, to the baby.

Alex smiled. "I needn't ask if you're enjoying this parenting thing, then?"

"Oh, I love it." She smirked at Alex. "Do you want to hold her?"

"You are kidding. No way." Alex backed away.

Diane laughed. "Aw, hear that, Livie? Uncle Alex doesn't want to hold you." She headed for the door with the baby still nestled in her arms. Alex followed. 

"Since when am I her uncle?" Alex demanded. "Oh, ah, Jess told me to give you this," he added, holding out a carrier bag. 

Diane waited until Alex had sat down, and then placed Olivia carefully in his lap, ignoring his protests. "Support her head. Like that, yeah." She opened the bag, and found baby clothes. "I thought Jess was broke – she keeps giving us clothes. They're gorgeous though."

"Jess is broke. I'm paying for them." Alex moved his finger away as Olivia's hand reached out to grab it. "And, ah, she wanted to know if you'd made any decisions about godparents yet."

"Yes I have, and you will hear in due course." Diane took the baby back, Alex looked too scared for his own good.  

*~*~*

Ric and Kath were feeling helpless. Jason was sleeping, and Janina was crying by his bedside. His parents were calling friends and relatives, and Janina was alone. "Kath," Ric began, slowly. "Maybe you should talk to her… you know what it's like… you've been through it."

"I don't want to drag her away from him, not before it's necessary," Kath replied. 

"He's sleeping, Kath, and he'll probably hang on for a few hours yet. Janina needs to know what it might be like." Ric moved away, wanting Kath to get the hint, to start talking to Janina of her own accord. Sure enough, after a few moments, Kath approached the crying girl.

"Janina?"

She looked up, her tear-stained eyes scared. "He's not…?"

Kath mentally kicked herself. Of course, Janina would immediately think that a nurse coming over would mean the worst. She hastened to reassure Janina. "No, no. He's not… no. Don't worry."

"How can I not worry?" Janina demanded. "I can't go on without him!"

Kath squatted down beside her. "You think that now, Janina, but… over time, it will get easier."

"I don't want it to get easier! That will mean that I'm forgetting him!" Janina sobbed, suddenly burying her head in Kath's shoulder. Kath patted the girl's back awkwardly.

"Janina, my husband died just over a year ago. I thought then that I wouldn't be able to cope, but I have." Kath took a deep breath. Thoughts of Terry filled her mind for a moment, making it hard to see anything else. "I went through a hard time just after his death… I was accused of murdering him."

Janina pulled away suddenly. "What?"

"I didn't kill him. But I was accused of murder." Kath's voice shook slightly. "I found it hard to cope. But he was with me, all the time. Even though he wasn't there in body, I knew he was there, he was watching me and helping me, when people were whispering behind my back, and when people thought I had taken his life away." She paused. "Are you religious?"

Janina nodded mutely. 

"What religion?"

"I… Catholic," she choked.

"So am I. You believe in Heaven, then? You believe that you will see Jason again one day?" Kath was trying very hard not to cry. Images of Terry flashed before her mind – buying jewellery, proposing, talking in the cafeteria, saying their wedding vows, holding each other closely on their wedding night, sobbing, running around on the beach, making a necklace from shells, his body, lifeless… 

"It won't be the same," Janina cried. "I'm sixteen! I might live for another eighty years – I can't live for eighty years without him!"

"You won't live without him." Kath blinked back the tears. "Oh, it won't be the same, no. But it is never as bad as you think it will be."

*~*~*

Anita was touched by how devoted the young woman, Elizabeth, was to her unborn baby. She found herself wondering if she would be able to be that devoted to a child. Her immediate response was no, she wouldn't. But then… a child that was inside her? She shook her head. Best not to think about it – not until it happened.

Whilst Elizabeth with devoted to the baby, wanting to keep it no matter what, her husband, Daren, didn't want a disabled child. Anita, although she felt that she should sympathise with him, was shocked at his callousness, at how dismissive he was of Elizabeth's feelings. What if Tom was ever like that with her? What if they ever had a disagreement about something this huge? But they wouldn't… it was just because she wasn't feeling very well; it was making her worry.

Eventually, Anita decided that she should leave Elizabeth and Daren alone. She didn't seem to be helping, in fact, if their looks were anything to go by, she was making things worse. She left quickly, and found herself face-to-face with Mubbs in a few seconds.

"How did it go?" he asked.

"She wants to keep it, he doesn't." Anita closed her eyes, trying to stop feeling sick.

"Are you alright?" Mubbs queried.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just feel a bit… you know." She shrugged it off. "I'm sorry that I couldn't do more."

Mubbs nodded. "That's okay. I just thought they might like to talk to someone, well, not me."

Anita laughed, and made for the lift. To her surprise, she found Tom in there.

"Anita…" He looked shocked to find her in maternity. "Anything you want to tell me?"

She looked confused for a moment, and then shook her head, smiling slightly. "No, no, I'm not… no. I was talking to a couple whose baby's ill. I'm not pregnant!"

Tom sighed with relief. "That's good." He paused. "Not that, you know, if you were pregnant, it would have been bad…" He shook his head. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah." She leant against the cold metal wall of the lift, breathing deeply. Lifts had always scared her slightly. 

Tom didn't notice. He was locked in his own little world. "You know, I don't think it would be that bad if you were… you know. I think I'd quite like to have a child."

"What's Josie, then? Just a lodger?" Anita decided not to mention her own views on children. They could wait for some other time – when they weren't in a lift, with various patients, and a few people who worked at the hospital.

Tom laughed. "You know what I mean."

"It's lucky I do, because you say that at least ten times a day," Anita commented. The doors opened. "This is my floor… you coming?"

Tom shrugged. "Why not?" He followed her into her office, and perched on the desk. "Listen, do you have any plans for tonight?"

"Yes, I've got a hot date," she joked. "No, nothing. Why?" she added warily.

"No reason…" He trailed off as she glared. "Okay. Ah, I was thinking that we should visit Diane Lloyd, congratulate her on the baby, politeness and all that."

"Why?" Anita began leafing through papers on her desk. "We sent her some absurdly small socks."

"Yes, but we should congratulate her in person… she's a good member of the team." He paused. "Only for a few minutes, not a long call or anything."

Anita nodded. "Yeah, sure. But not long, though."

"Great. I'll come and pick you up when the shift's over, then."

*~*~*

Diane felt like she was drifting off to sleep, even though Alex was talking to her. She was trying to pay attention, but ended up just making indistinct sounds every time he paused. "Yeah… uh huh… okay…"

"Diane, are you even listening?" he queried.

Her eyes had closed, and Alex smiled slightly. He was about to creep away and let her sleep, when the doorbell rang. Diane opened her eyes. "I wasn't sleeping!"

"Didn't say you were," he replied. "That was the door… do you want me to get it?"

She shook her head, standing up. "No, no. Can you take Livie for a moment though?" She put the baby into his arms, and left the room before he had a chance to object. She made her way to the door. "Robbie!"

Robbie Waring looked slightly shame-faced. "It's not a bad time or anything, is it? I can come back…" He made as if to turn away.

Diane grabbed his arm. "No, no, come on in."

Robbie did so. "I would have come sooner, but I had flu… it's been going round, you know."

"Yeah, I know." Diane led the way into the living room. "This is Alex Adams… Alex, this is Robbie. Steve's son," she added in a whisper. 

"The one who… ow!" Alex broke off as Diane kicked him. 

"Just try and be tactful for once in your life," she hissed, reclaiming her daughter. She turned to Robbie. "Meet Olivia. Do you want to hold her?"

"Can I?" Robbie asked, eagerly. 

"Course." Diane laughed, and handed the baby to Robbie. "Support her head, yeah, like that."

Alex stood up. "Well, I'd better go."

"Already?" Diane asked. "You've only been here an hour or so."

"Yeah, but Jess gets off early, and I might get in trouble if I'm not at home when she gets back," Alex replied. 

"Trouble? Why?" Diane glanced briefly at Robbie, but he was holding Olivia carefully, and both looked quite happy. She looked back at Alex.

"I don't know. I'd better go, anyway." Alex made his way to the door, followed by Diane. "I'll probably be round with Jess soon."

"I'm sure you will," Diane replied. "See you, then." She closed the door, and yawned widely before going back to Robbie and Olivia.

*~*~*

Janina had calmed down somewhat by the time Jason woke up. "Hey."

"Are you okay?" Jason queried, concerned. 

Janina forced a smile. "Don't be worried about me. I'll be fine."

"I don't want to leave you," Jason said, softly. 

"And I don't want you to leave me," Janina replied. "But you have to. And I don't want you to feel bad."

Kath backed out of the room as Jason and Janina melted into a hug. Her vision was blurred, all she could see was Terry, he was all around her and she couldn't breathe. 

"Kath?" Ric's arms were around her, steadying her. "Kath. Sit down. Are you alright?"

She took a deep breath, feeling the tears trickle down her cheeks. "Just… Janina and Jason, it's like… it's like Terry all over again." She shook her head. "Not, not the… the diamorphine, but the…" Sobs were catching at her throat, and she couldn't continue. She took a deep breath again, and blew her nose. "I'm fine. I'll be fine."

"If you ever need to talk, you know…"

"You're there. I know." Kath nodded. "Thank you – it does mean a lot, you know, Ric."

*~*~*

Anita was sitting in her office, bored as hell, but also worried. At a loss for what to do, she found herself ringing Josie. She didn't mean to – one moment she was staring at the phone, the next moment she'd dialled.

"Hello?" Josie answered.

"Jo… it's me. Anita." Anita folded up a piece of paper on her desk, and began making an origami swan.

"Nita, hey." Josie sounded curious. "What's up?"

"Just… wanted a chat." Her finger slipped, and decapitated the swan. She unfolded the paper and began again. 

"Yeah, and what's really up?" Josie demanded.

"Nothing. What do you mean?" Anita asked, unsure of what to think. Could Josie really see through her that easily?

"Anita, I've spent enough time with you to know that you don't call me in the middle of your working day just for a chat." Josie sounded concerned now. "So, what's the matter? Have you and Dad had a fight or something?"

"No. You know what, I'm fine." Anita was about to hang up, when Josie spoke again.

"You hang up on me, and I'm calling Dad."

"Fine. Fine." Anita moved her finger away from the 'end call' button.

"So. Talk. What's the matter?" Josie repeated.

"Have you ever thought about becoming a psychiatrist?" Anita quipped.

"It's bad enough having one in the family. God, Nita, you can be so frustrating at times. Tell me what's up." Josie was impatient now.

Anita mumbled something very quickly down the phone. "Was I meant to hear that?" Josie asked. "Slowly, please."

"I think I'm… you know…" Anita finally succeeded in creating an origami swan. She picked up another piece of paper and started again.

"Aggravating?" Josie filled in. "Anita, did you take lessons in procrastination?"

"Is that a compliment?" And before her courage failed her, she blurted it out. "I think I'm pregnant."

"Oh my God! Nita, that's amazing!" Josie squealed.

"Is it?"

"You don't sound happy," Josie realised. "Do you not think Dad will want a baby?"

"Oh, no, he was telling me how much he'd like to have one earlier," Anita replied. 

"So you don't want one, then?"

"Not that I don't want one, it's more… it's unexpected, that's all." Anita sighed. 

"Well, I'm always here to talk."

"Thanks."

*~*~*

"He's gone," Ric said, softly, as he left Jason's room. Kath nodded soberly. 

"Should I – talk to them?"

Ric shook his head. "Give them some time."

"Time heals all wounds," Kath replied, more to herself than anyone else.

*~*~*

"I wish Dad was here," Robbie commented, watching Olivia intently.

Diane nodded. "Me too."

Robbie looked up. "I thought you were engaged to Mr Griffin?"

"I am, and I wouldn't change that for the world," Diane replied. "But I wish Steve was here, all the same. He was a good friend to me. And I – it feels wrong that he isn't here, with Livie."

"He can see her, you know," Robbie said, seriously. "You know that, right?"

Diane smiled. "Yeah. But it isn't the same."

Robbie nodded. "I know."

"So… how are you getting on?" Diane asked.

"Yeah. Pretty good." Robbie shrugged. "It's hard without Dad, though. Y'know, before, I always had someone to go to, and now… there's other family, aunts and uncles and stuff, but it's not the same."

"Yeah. I know that." Diane looked at him; he looked vulnerable, although he didn't want to. "You can always come to us, you know. If you want to talk."

"Thanks." Robbie's smile said so much more than he did.

*~*~*

"You're sure this is alright?" Kath asked, as she and Ric stood outside Ric and Diane's house. It was dark now, the end of the day. 

"Perfectly sure. I'm not letting you go home alone, Kath." Ric turned the key in the lock. "Diane? I'm home, babe."

There was silence, and Ric looked around. "Oh damn… Olivia. I'm not meant to yell, am I?" He took his jacket off, whilst Kath pushed open the door to the living room. 

"Look at this, Ric," she whispered, pointing. Diane lay, fast asleep, on the sofa, cuddling a cushion. As they entered the room, she stirred slightly.

"Diane? Honey?" Ric said, softly, sitting down next to her. 

"Hi…" she murmured. "God, I haven't slept like that in ages."

"Where's Livie?" Ric asked, gently. 

Diane sat up. "I don't know… Robbie had her."

"Robbie?" 

"Robbie… you know, Robbie Waring." Diane began to wake up fully. "Kath! Hey."

"Hi." 

"I'll go find Olivia," Ric suggested, leaving the room. They heard his feet pound up the stairs.

"He'll go through them one day," Diane commented, rubbing her eyes.

"How are you?" Kath queried.

"Exhausted," Diane replied, laughing. "I never knew what tiredness was before."

"I remember that." Kath smiled. Ric returned at this point, Olivia in his arms, and Robbie behind him.

"I'd better go," Robbie announced. "I just didn't want to go while Diane was asleep and Olivia was alone."

"Thanks," Diane replied. "Now, remember what I said, yeah? Any time you want to talk…"

"I'll be here all the time," Robbie joked. 

"I don't care. Just come when you need to, okay?" She hugged him, and he left.

"Found a friend?" Ric asked.

"Well, we got talking, you know… he misses Steve something dreadful, and I can relate to that. I was about his age when my mum died." She scooped Olivia out of Ric's arms. "Thanks. And besides, he adores Livie."

Ric laughed. "Well, have you had a good day?" He sat down next to her on the sofa, and they cuddled up together. Kath, sitting by herself in an armchair, looked on slightly jealously. She shook her head slightly. They were her friends. She was happy for them. Of course she was.

*~*~*

"Tom, can we not go tonight?" Anita asked, slightly petulantly, as they climbed into his car.

"Why not?" Tom asked, concerned. 

"I just… I need to talk to you, when we get home, you know." She avoided his eyes. "And besides, it's late, I'm sure Diane won't want us going to her house, waking the baby up and everything."

Tom nodded. "Fine. We'll leave it for tonight." He began to drive off. "So, what's your trouble?"

"Trouble?"

"Why do you need to talk?" he asked.

"Oh, that. It's nothing major, not really… I mean, it could all be a mistake, and I'd really rather not tell you whilst you're driving," she added, having visions of car crashes.

"As you wish." He turned the radio on, and they drove home in a fairly comfortable silence. When he'd parked the car, he turned to her. "So, what's the matter, Anita?"

"Nothing's the matter, exactly." She looked at him. Suddenly she was realising their age gap. He might be seventy-five by the time their child finished school. That was scary. He was nearly twice her age. 

"Come on, tell me, then." He took her hand in his.

"Well… you remember that we were discussing earlier… you know…" She trailed off.

"What?"

"In the lift." She dropped her eyelids slightly, not wanting to see his reaction.

"The lift?" He thought for a moment, and suddenly gasped. "You're not…? Anita, are you pregnant? You said that you weren't!"

"I didn't think that I was… but I took a test earlier. And, well. Turns out I am." She was speaking quietly and quickly, a sure sign that she was stressed.

"That's amazing!" he exclaimed. 

"You're happy, then?" she checked. 

"Some psychiatrist you are! I'm thrilled, my goodness, you're pregnant, this is fabulous, Anita… does Josie know?" He was babbling, and Anita breathed a sigh of relief, leaning back against the seat.

*~*~*

"Is Kath okay?" Diane asked, as she was brushing her hair. 

"She's fine… just, we had a patient die today, he was only young, it reminded her of Terry, I think." Ric folded his jacket neatly. 

Diane nodded sombrely. "I'm sorry for her. She's had it hard."

"Some might say that you'd had it hard, Miss Lloyd," Ric commented.

"But not any more." She let him hold her close, it was safe, comfortable, she liked it. "I'm lucky, Ric. I've got you."

"And I've got you."

It was later, much later, that night, that Diane woke up. She crept to the window, and looked at the sky. Every star belongs to someone you love and have lost, she thought, wistfully. She glanced across at Ric, slumbering peacefully. Olivia, fast asleep in her cot. Then she looked back at the sky.

"You'd be happy, Steve." She glanced back at Olivia, and then to the sky, the stars, the moon – eternity. "Thank you," she whispered.

______________________

Well… I wanted it to be finished for tonight, and it is! :D

What did you think? There will be more parts, of course. 


	2. Til Death Us Do Part

_Well, in case anyone's getting confuzzled about the time-lines of this story (I know I am!), this part takes place about seven months after the last one. This makes it July 2004 (woo-hoo, I'll have finished my GCSEs by then!), which means that Olivia (Diane's daughter) is about eight months old, Tom and Anita have been married for nearly eight months, Anita is about seven months pregnant, Chrissie is eight months pregnant (and Amanda is around thirteen months old), and Diane and Ric are about to get married. Oh yeah, and I realised last night (I couldn't sleep because of it, how sad is that?) that Diane was only pregnant for about seven months, and yet she was saying that she was past her due date. I can't do maths. That's my only excuse._

_And, after seeing Tuesday's ep, I don't think Anita would act like this (we saw a lot of her, and she seems quite a strong person, and she isn't in this), but I'd written a lot of it before then, and I wasn't going to re-write it. _

_*~*~*_

"You coming tonight?" Diane asked Jess and Lisa, as she leant against the desk in AAU. 

"Is there going to be alcohol?" Lisa queried.

Diane laughed. "Of course." She smiled. "And there'll be a lot more than normal, 'cause Chrissie can't drink."

"Poor Chrissie!" Jess sympathised. "I'd hate to go out and not drink."

"It's not as bad as all that," Diane replied. 

"So, where are we going?" Lisa asked, as Jess answered the ringing phone.

"Nowhere. I can't get anyone to look after Livie, and we obviously can't take her anywhere, so…" Diane shrugged. 

Lisa smiled. "Some of the best parties I've been to have been at people's houses. Who's going?"

Diane ticked off the names on her fingers. "You, Jess, Chrissie, Kath, Sandy… oh, and Ric thought it would be 'nice' if I asked Anita, you know, Tom's wife?"

"Never seen her. Ah well, be good to meet her, I s'pose," Lisa commented.

Ric appeared and put his arms around Diane's waist. She spoke without turning around. "You probably shouldn't do that, you know. I'm getting married tomorrow, and I doubt that my husband would be very pleased."

Ric laughed. "I'm sure he wouldn't have any objections." 

She turned around to face him. "Can you believe that it's tomorrow?" she asked.

"No. Not at all, in fact." He leaned in and kissed her, as Tom walked past.

"I realise that you're getting married tomorrow, but you're still at work now, so can you put her down, please, Ric, and get on with some work?" He was smiling, but Ric obeyed nevertheless.

"Like you and Anita keep your hands off each other at work," he joked. Diane, Lisa, and Jess exchanged vaguely repulsed looks.

Tom looked uncomfortable. "What Anita and I do is our business." Jess turned away to hide her giggles.

Ric decided to leave the question of Tom and Anita, and changed the subject. "Are you coming tonight, Tom?"

"Tonight…?" Tom looked confused.

"My last night of freedom," Ric explained.

"Ah. Well, I don't know if I can, with Anita…"

"We've claimed her!" Jess put in.

"Do you even know her?" Tom queried.

"Well, no, but still…"

"I invited her," Diane interrupted. "I've spoken to her a few times, it'll be good to get to know her. She seems nice."

"She's lovely. I don't know about coming though." Tom shook his head.

"I'll see you at seven," Ric interjected. "Alex Adams' place."

"Where's that?"

"Jess, draw him a map," Diane told her friend. Jess obligingly found a piece of paper and a pen, but Tom shook his head.

"I'll find it, thank you, Nurse Griffin."

"See you there, then." Ric put an arm around Diane as Tom walked off. "Well then, Miss Lloyd, I think we'd better go see to some patients."

*~*~*

"Ric? Ric?" Zubin raced up behind his friend. "There you are."

"Zubin, hi." Ric stopped walking and waited for Zubin to catch up with him. "What's up, man?"

"Urgent op tomorrow, two o'clock. Can't be rescheduled." Zubin glanced at Ric idly as he spoke.

"You're kidding me." Ric didn't sound too calm. "I'm getting married tomorrow, Zubin. Remember? Two o'clock. We invited you. You know, a registry office, Diane in a white dress, me in a suit…"

"That's not too good," Zubin commented.

"Can't someone else do it? Harris? Is he free?" Ric was panicking. "God, Diane is going to kill me if she even hears about this." He was starting to hyperventilate, and Zubin pushed him into a chair.

"Relax, Ric. I'm joking." 

"That's not funny, Zube!" Ric protested. 

"Trust me, from where I was standing, it was hilarious."

*~*~*

"Remind me again why I have to stay at Alex's?" Ric asked Diane, trying to put his suit in a bag without creasing it. 

She took the suit off him, and began folding it neatly. "Maybe you should take an iron with you."

"No." 

"Fine, fine, don't blame me if you look all creased on our wedding photos," Diane replied. "And the reason that you are going to Alex's is that it is much easier for you to go than it is for me to take Olivia somewhere." She held up his bag. "There you go. Why you make such a big deal out of things, I'll never know."

"And why you seem to find things like that so easy, I'll never know," Ric countered. "So, how much havoc are you and the girls going to wreak tonight?"

"We don't wreak havoc," Diane said, smiling. "We'll just get a bit drunk."

"Not too much," Ric warned. "I don't want to have you hung over on our wedding day."

"When have I ever been hung over?" Diane demanded. She thought for a second. "Okay, don't answer that."

Ric laughed. "I won't." He glanced over at the pile of objects he still had to pack. "My goodness… Diane, you certainly owe me one, you know that? Making me take half my possessions somewhere else, no mean feat."

She shrugged. "I owe you one, huh? Okay, how about I marry you tomorrow, then we're even?"

He smiled at her, and took her in his arms. "That works for me."

Diane glanced at the clock. "This time tomorrow, we'll be married."

Ric hugged her. "Nervous?"

"Excited. I can't wait." She kissed him. "I love you."

"Always good to know," he replied. She hit him lightly. "Fine, fine, I love you too."

"I should think so."

*~*~*

"I hear you're going to Diane Lloyd's tonight," Tom commented to Anita, entering her office. 

Anita nodded. "Yeah. She asked, so I thought, y'know, why not? It's good to broaden horizons and all that." She began sorting through a pile of papers on her desk.

"Someone should tidy that," Tom told her.

"You volunteering?" She found the paper she was looking for, and pushed her chair away from the desk as she felt a familiar movement in her abdomen. "Ohh."

"Are you alright?" Tom was at her side in a moment, an arm around her.

"Yeah." Anita glanced down at her pregnant stomach, and looked away hurriedly.

Tom placed one hand on his wife's stomach, and Anita tried not to flinch. She knew it was silly, but she was jealous of Tom. He seemed to be so connected to this baby already. And she felt nothing. At first, she'd put it down to just being in shock – she'd never planned to get pregnant. But now, it was six months later, surely the shock should be over? There was something wrong with her, there must be. She felt evil, almost. She had found herself thinking that it would be so much easier if she weren't pregnant; she had almost hoped that she'd lose the baby. What kind of mother wants her baby to die? But every time she felt a kick, she was reminded of how awful she was. Every time she saw herself in a mirror, or if she glanced down and saw her stomach, she could see it. And Tom was no help – she couldn't talk to him about it; he was so excited, he couldn't wait for the baby to be born. He wanted to do everything, think about names and decorate the nursery and buy clothes, everything that Anita didn't want to do. This baby was going to change her life, and she didn't want it to.

*~*~*

"See you tomorrow, yeah?" Diane said, kissing Ric as he was leaving.

"No, I was planning on missing it," Ric joked. "Diane, why are you even asking me that? Of course you'll see me tomorrow, I'm going to marry you tomorrow."

"I wanted to be sure." She kissed him again. "Say bye to Uncle Ric, then, Livie." Olivia obediently waved. 

"I'll see you tomorrow at two." Ric hugged her.

"I'll be the one in the white dress." They kissed again, and only stopped when a car drew up, and Jess stepped out.

"Put her down, Dad!"

"She started it," Ric replied. Nevertheless, he moved away. "I love you – I'll see you tomorrow."

"I love you too. Bye!" Diane hugged him quickly, mindful of Jess' watchful eye. 

"In broad daylight," Jess tutted, as Ric drove off.

"Jess, you sound like my mother." Diane led her inside.

"Wrong way around, mummy dearest," Jess giggled.

"Oh God, and she's not even drunk yet." Diane groaned theatrically, flopping down on the sofa. "You're early, by the way."

Jess glanced at her watch. "It's six o'clock."

"I asked people to come at eight." Diane got up, placed Olivia in Jess' outstretched arms, and went to make a drink. 

"Okay, so I'm a teensy bit early," Jess conceded, following her future stepmother. "But come on, what else were you gonna do? Sit around and mope that Dad isn't here?"

Diane shot her a teasing glare. "No. For your information, Olivia and I were going to go to the park."

"Olivia won't mind if her favourite sister comes with her," Jess said, assuredly. "Will you, Livie?" Olivia giggled and reached out to grab Jess' hair. Jess squawked in pain as Olivia tugged hard. Laughing, Diane retrieved her daughter.

"You get used to that after a while. Ric reckons it's a phase – apparently you used to be a holy terror for it."

Jess smiled. "I wish he wouldn't tell the baby stories to my friends. And how do you manage to keep your hair long with her around?"

"The wonder that is the hair bobble," Diane replied, mock-seriously. "And, as I said, you get used to her after a while."

"No doubt you do." Jess glanced enviously at Diane and Olivia, who were smiling and giggling at each other. "You are lucky, Diane."

Diane laughed a bit self-consciously. "I know." She looked around. "I really am."

*~*~*

"So, looking forward to spending the rest of your life with Diane?" Alex asked, the moment that Ric opened the door. Ric jumped violently; Alex had been hidden in the shadows, and Ric hadn't seen him.

"God, Alex, most people say hello!" Ric spluttered, trying to catch his breath.

"Yeah, but I'm not most people."

"You can say that again." Ric hauled his bag through the door. "Where can I put this?"

"You can put it wherever you want… You may put it down here or in the guest room." Alex laughed slightly, and opened the door to the guest room. "In here."

"Since when were you such a grammar enthusiast?" Ric queried.

"Since I'm not working and Jess thinks that it's funny to buy me 'useful' gifts." Alex rifled through a drawer and pulled out 'GCSE English Revision Guide'. 

"I should have tried that when Diane was on maternity leave," Ric commented.

"There's always next time," Alex suggested, sitting on the bed.

Ric dropped the bag. "Do you know something that I don't?"

Alex glanced at him in confusion for a few seconds, and then laughed. "Oh, no, I wasn't… no, I'm not saying she's pregnant! I'm just saying, you know, it'll probably happen sometime in the future, right?"

Ric shrugged. "We haven't talked about it."

"Yeah, but you're going to have kids, right?"

"Why, do you fancy your chances at godfather?" Ric queried.

"No, but I think Diane wants more children – in the future, I mean." Alex led the way into the kitchen. 

"Why do you think that?" Ric accepted the beer Alex held out.

"Well, from what she's said, and what Jess has said…" Alex stopped speaking for a moment as he swallowed some pills. "Yeah, I just think that she doesn't want Olivia to be an only child. You should really be talking to her about this, though, Ric."

Ric shook his head. "I'll speak to her. I mean, I'd like more too, I think, but…"

"Talk to Diane." Alex swallowed another pill, and gulped down a glass of water.

"I will do." Ric glanced at him. "How's the… well, how's it all going with you?"

Alex sighed. "I wish I could say it's going well. But… it's just one of those things, I have good days and bad days. Today's a good day. Tomorrow… who knows?"

*~*~*

Diane, Olivia on her hip, hurried to answer the door. Jess was in the kitchen, trying to decide if there was enough alcohol, or if she should go and buy some more. Kath, Sandy, Lisa, and Chrissie were standing at the door, the four of them all looking a bit giggly, and all wearing pink feather boas. Diane burst out laughing at the mere sight of them. 

"Hi!" Lisa squealed, wrapping a feather boa around Diane's neck. Olivia looked started as the pink feathers drifted past her, and buried her head in Diane's shoulder for comfort.

"Ooh, people!" Jess screeched, rushing into the hallway. Sandy presented her with another feather boa.

"Did you bulk buy these?" Diane queried, removing hers, and holding it up for Olivia to see.

"Kath got them cheap," Sandy replied.

Chrissie shared a look with Diane. "We're not asking," she informed her. "We think it's safer that we don't know."

Olivia started getting restless, and began holding out her arms to Kath. Diane, laughing, handed her over. "I guess when there's a lot of people, Mummy isn't so interesting, huh?"

"She's up late," Chrissie commented.

Diane nodded. "I know, but I thought you lot would wake her up, and I knew you'd all want to see her." She glanced at the baby, now playing a clapping game with Kath and Sandy, and smiled. "She's going to bed in ten minutes though."

"She's so cute, Diane!" Lisa enthused.

Diane smiled. "She's gorgeous, isn't she?"

"And her mummy's so modest," Kath teased.

Chrissie shrugged. "I think it's more like stating a fact. Olivia is a very cute baby."

"But not as sweet as Amanda, huh?" Jess queried.

"Of course not. No one is." Chrissie smiled at the mere thought of her little girl. "And this one," she added, placing one hand on her bump, "is going to be just as sweet as his big sister."

"His?" Lisa repeated. "It's a boy, then?"

"Oh, didn't I mention it?" Chrissie asked, innocently.

The others were raising an outcry at Chrissie's mock-innocent expression when the doorbell rang again. Diane glanced around the group, and wondered who was missing. Through the glass of the door, she saw black hair… Oh, of course. Anita. She answered the door quickly, and smiled at Anita. "Nice to see you."

"You too," Anita replied. "Sorry I'm late, but Tom's directions… God, they're hard to follow!"

Diane laughed. "Well, if they're anything like the directions he gives in theatre, I can imagine," she joked. Anita laughed nervously, and Diane smiled. "Don't be so worried. We're not going to eat you, you know."

Anita smiled self-consciously. "Yeah. I know… I'm just not very good with meeting people, you know, in social situations. Stupid really, I'm a psychiatrist," she added, chuckling. She wriggled out of her coat. "Where shall I put this?"

Diane was staring in undisguised amazement at Anita's stomach. "You're pregnant?"

A shadow covered Anita's face. "Yeah." She didn't want to think about that for now. She crossed her arms in front of her stomach, trying to hide the presence of the bump.

"When are you due?" Diane queried. "Chrissie's going to be mad at you, you know – I think she enjoys the attention of being the only pregnant woman."

Anita shrugged. "She can have the attention." Diane glanced curiously at her, but said nothing.

A scream was heard from the living room, and Diane rushed to investigate, Anita following. Diane laughed as she saw Olivia clinging tightly to a strand of Kath's hair. She gently detached the baby, and spoke to her. "I think it's bedtime for you, missy."

Anita was feeling uncomfortable; people weren't staring at her, but they were looking, and she knew that they were looking at her stomach. Diane glanced at her, and noticed how she looked. "Oh, this is Anita Campbell-Gore… oh wait, are you still Anita Forbes?"

"Either works." 

"Okay then. These are Kath, Chrissie, Lisa, Sandy, Jess – she's Ric's daughter… oh, and this is my little girl, Olivia." Olivia squealed when she heard her name. "And she's going to bed now," Diane added. "I'll be back in a moment – feel free to break open the alcohol!" As she left the room, she heard Chrissie's groan of dismay that she couldn't drink, and saw Jess waving a glass of wine teasingly in front of her. "They're insane, Livie," Diane told her daughter, smiling.

*~*~*

Alex and Owen were sitting on the sofa, enjoying watching Zubin and Ric, both slightly the worse for wear, sniping at Tom, who had the upper hand, as he wasn't drunk. Alex hadn't been drinking – he couldn't with the pills he was taking. Tom, obviously, didn't drink, and Owen had promised Chrissie that he wouldn't drink. 

"If I remember correctly, her exact words were 'You got me in this condition, so you're not going out and getting drunk when I can't,'" he told Alex.

"She sounds a right picnic," Alex replied. "If I were you, I'd stay well clear when she goes into labour."

Ric shook his head. "Trust me, you don't want to do that," he said, slightly unsteadily. "Women like it if you're there and being supportive."

"And Ric knows what he's talking about," Zubin said. "He's done the baby thing… how many times now?"

"Ten if you count Olivia," Alex put in.

"And how many different mothers?" queried Tom.

"A few." Ric shrugged. "Diane's the one that matters, though." 

Zubin glanced around the assembled group. "Hmm… am I the only one who isn't married or engaged here?"

Alex shook his head. "I'm not."

"Or in a serious relationship?" Zubin amended his question.

Owen nodded. "Yeah."

"Don't worry, Zube. We'll find someone for ya," Ric assured him.

*~*~*

When Diane arrived back in the living room, she found Anita giggling with the others. She smiled in relief, and allowed Jess to pull her to the sofa and wrap the discarded feather boa around her neck.

"Alcohol?" asked Lisa, offering a bottle of wine.

"We're playing truth or dare," Sandy announced.

Diane laughed. "How old are we?"

"Ah, it's not how old you are, it's how old you feel," Anita informed her.

"Is that some kind of psychiatrist talk?" Jess queried.

"No, common sense," Anita retorted.

"Huh? What's that?" Jess giggled.

"Ignore them, Diane," Kath told her. "Sit down… now, then, you're the important one here, you go first. Truth or dare?"

Diane settled down and took a sip of her drink before answering. "I have no secrets. Truth, please."

"Damn! We had a good dare prepared as well," Chrissie sighed. "Ah well." They conferred for a few moments, and eventually Chrissie spoke again. "Right. How many blokes from the hospital have you slept with, and who are they?"

Diane laughed. "I might have guessed. Okay." She thought for a moment. "Three. And I'm sure you can all guess who they are."

"Ric," Kath suggested. Diane nodded.

"Danny," Sandy put in. 

"Steve," Chrissie finished.

"Maybe I should be worried that you got those right so quickly," Diane commented. "You know too much about my life." She glanced around the group. "Chrissie's turn."

"Thanks," Chrissie laughed. "I'm too lazy to do a dare, so truth, please." 

"Out of all the blokes in Holby – not including Owen – who do you think is the nicest?" questioned Lisa.

"Nicest-looking, or nicest personality?" Chrissie asked, confused.

"Nicest looking, of course!" Lisa replied. "Go on… who?"

Chrissie considered. "Can I choose someone who's left?"

"Sure," Lisa agreed.

"Okay then. If I can't choose Owen, then Alex is quite cute." A chorus of voices agreed with her, and Jess smirked. 

"He's mine, you know."

"Oh, don't worry, you're safe. I'm happy with Owen, I wouldn't do anything stupid… well, not again, anyway," she added, smiling slightly.

"What did she do before?" Anita whispered to Lisa.

"Slept with another man," Lisa whispered, "When she was engaged to Owen… there was a load of confusion about who Amanda – that's her daughter – who the father was, and Owen chucked her out. They got back together when Manda was born, though."

Anita hadn't realised that Chrissie had a baby already… she didn't look like a motherly person. Maybe motherhood didn't change people all that much. Perhaps… perhaps it wouldn't be that bad. She looked down at her stomach, wanting desperately to feel connected to the baby inside of her. But, as usual, she felt nothing. She felt the tears coming, and excused herself quickly. 

*~*~*

"So, are you nervous?" Zubin asked Ric.

"About what?" Ric asked, breezily.

"Marrying Diane tomorrow," Owen reminded him. 

Ric shrugged. "I'll probably be nervous nearer the time."

"He's had a lot of practice," Tom put in. 

"Very true," Ric agreed. "And I've been wanting to marry her for about ten years."

"Ten years?" Owen repeated, confused. "She's only worked at Holby for two or three years, surely?"

"They go way back," Zubin informed Owen, who nodded.

"I was terrified before I married Chrissie," Owen commented. "I wasn't worried about the whole marriage, it was the wedding that worried me. I thought I'd trip or faint or something."

Ric laughed. "My first wedding, my nose started bleeding just as I was saying my vows." He took another sip of his beer. "Omen, I suppose."

"Really?" Alex queried. "How long ago was that?"

"Oh, about thirty years ago," Zubin said, airily. "I was the best man."

"So you got married for the first time before Diane was even born," Tom remarked.

 "Age doesn't matter, Tom." Ric paused. "Of course, to those who are slightly more grey, it might make more of a difference."

Tom glared, but couldn't think of how to reply. Ric and Zubin high-fived.

*~*~*

"Anita?" Diane asked, softly, as she walked past the door to the bathroom, and saw Anita standing there, looking dismally out of the window.

"I'm fine," Anita said, automatically. She blinked away the tears that had clouded her vision, and smiled falsely.

"You're not, you've been crying." Diane passed some tissues over, and sat on the edge of the bath. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing." Anita blew her nose and made a move to leave, but Diane grabbed her arm.

"Are you sure? We haven't done anything to offend you, have we?" She sounded anxious, and Anita was quick to reassure her.

"No, it's not you, it's just… I'm a bit emotional lately, that's all."

Diane nodded. "Yeah, I was a wreck when I was pregnant too. Ric used to mention babies and watch me well up… mind you, he did something right, I'm marrying him," she joked.

Anita gave a weak chuckle, but sobered quickly. "Diane, when you were… pregnant… did you ever have any doubts?"

"I suppose so." Diane thought. "What do you mean? I used to worry about Ric not being Olivia's father."

Anita shook her head. "No, I mean about… about having the baby. Did you ever not want her?"

Realisation dawned on Diane's face. "Oh God, you don't want your baby?"

"I didn't say that." Anita looked away. Diane was a mother, she loved Olivia, and now she must surely think that Anita was a horrible person.

"Have you told Tom about this?" Diane asked, gently.

Anita glanced at Diane, and only saw sympathy in her eyes. "You don't seem too shocked, Diane."

Diane smiled. "It takes a lot to shock me. So, have you told Tom?"

"No." And then, much to Anita's amazement, she found herself telling Diane everything. Once she'd started talking, she couldn't stop, and soon Diane had heard how excited Tom was, how Anita wanted desperately to feel some connection to the baby, how she couldn't quite believe that it was real, how she knew her life was going to change, how she didn't want it to, how she hated seeing her stomach, how she didn't want to even think about the baby, and how she just knew that she would be a terrible mother, and it would be so much better if the baby wasn't born. All the worry of the past six months finally came to a head, and she was crying and laughing and talking at the same time.

Diane didn't try to interrupt her, or stop her in any way. She let her talk, and it was such a relief for Anita. And, eventually, when the stream of words had run down, Diane didn't say anything. She handed her some more tissues, and they sat in silence for a while. After a few moments, Diane spoke. 

"It's not your fault, you know."

"But… I'm meant to love it, and I don't. Chrissie obviously loves her baby, you can see it, she's always touching her stomach, she's got this smile on her face, like she's got a secret or something." 

Diane considered. "That's true. But Anita, when Chrissie was having Amanda, I don't think she felt like she does about this baby." Diane paused, thinking about how she was going to say the next bit. "How can you feel connected to something that you've not even met yet? It's different for Tom, he only has to think about the baby when he wants to, but you have it with you all day every day."

"But I don't want to. I don't think I can do this." Why didn't she want to? She wasn't sure. "I'm always in control, and I'm not now."

"But once the baby's born, then you'll get into a routine, and you can take control again." She looked at Anita. "It won't be the same as before. But it might even be better. You need to give the baby a chance. And you need to talk to Tom."

She left the room, leaving Anita to think.

*~*~*

Nearly ten minutes later, Anita reappeared downstairs. Diane had warned the others not to ask any questions, and Anita sank down into the sofa almost unnoticed. Jess smiled at her. "We're still playing truth or dare. Do you want to go next?"

Anita shrugged. "Yeah, why not?" She paused. She'd had enough of telling the truth for one night. "Dare."

"Finally!" Chrissie sighed. "No one's chosen dare yet." They discussed it for a few moments, and eventually Chrissie spoke again. "Prank-call Tom."

Anita laughed. "Is that it? Easy." She found her phone and dialled. After a few moments, she hung up and looked around ashamedly. "I forgot to with hold my number. He answered and said 'Hi Anita'."

Everyone laughed, and Anita found herself joining in. She let herself forget about her problems for a little while, and began to enjoy herself.

*~*~*

At Alex's, the chatter had started to run down, and Tom had fallen asleep. Ric, ignoring Owen and Alex's protests, picked up a marker pen and began drawing on his face. Soon, Tom was sporting a beard, glasses, and had the word "furby" written on his forehead.

"Furby?" Zubin repeated.

Ric nodded. "You know, one of those owlish toy things, they make noises and sing and stuff?"

Owen laughed suddenly. "Katie had one. I can see the resemblance, actually."

Alex stared at Tom, squinting slightly. "I suppose." He tilted his head sideways. "Yeah. Definitely."

Tom started to snore, and Owen laughed again. "Yep. Definitely a furby." 

The sound of laughter woke Tom up. "What have I missed?" he mumbled, yawning.

"Oh, nothing," Ric relied, innocently. 

Tom glanced at his watch. "It's very late. I should be getting back home." He stood up and stretched. 

Owen looked at the clock and swore. "I said I'd pick Chrissie up at midnight."

"Cinderella, eh?" Zubin laughed.

"Chrissie gets cranky if she doesn't get her sleep… mind you, not that she needs any help with crankiness half the time," Owen added, smiling. They laughed, and dispersed into the silence of the night. Alex shut the door, and Ric flopped back onto the sofa.

"God, I need to sober up a bit," Ric mumbled. "Diane'll kill me if I've got a hangover tomorrow."

Alex laughed. "You do realise that Diane is probably drinking herself silly at this very moment?"

"Good point." Ric laughed, and poured himself another beer.

*~*~*

"'Night!" Diane called, as Lisa and Sandy stumbled into a taxi. Chrissie had been picked up ten minutes earlier, and Anita kept announcing that she really should leave, but hadn't moved from the sofa. Her eyes were closing, and Diane didn't think that it was too safe to let her drive. Not that Diane, Kath or Jess could have driven her – all were oh-so-slightly drunk.

Diane went back into the living room, careful not to disturb Anita, and began collecting the empty glasses and bottles. "How much did we drink?" she mumbled, as she carried the glassware through into the kitchen. Jess greeted her with a groan. 

"What's the matter?" Diane queried.

"Dishwasher's full. Does that mean I have to wash up by hand?"

Diane laughed. "No, that means you have to wait until it's run through its cycle, and then you put the rest of the stuff in." 

"Ah," Jess nodded. "Clever."

"Just don't tell your dad. He actually does wash up by hand when the thing's full." 

"Well, he always was a bit of an idiot," Jess agreed.

"Who's an idiot?" Kath asked, wandering into the kitchen.

"Dad," giggled Jess.

Kath smiled. "That's certainly true. I'm sure no man in his right mind would marry Diane…"

"Oi!" Diane protested. "You're not very nice when you're drunk, you know that?"

Kath laughed. "And you're an angel, of course."

"Well, at least I don't insult my friends." Diane sat down on a chair and groaned. "Oh God, I'm gonna have such a hangover tomorrow."

"Never mind," Jess reassured her. "You had fun tonight, though, right?"

"Yeah," Diane agreed. "I think we all did… well, almost all of us," she added, glancing through the doorway at Anita.

Kath followed her glance. "What's the matter with her?"

Diane shook her head. "I can't tell you. I don't think she'd be too pleased."

Jess looked at her watch, and started towards Anita. "Should we wake her up?"

"What's the point?" Diane asked. "She can stay here."

"Do you realise how uncomfortable she'll be in the morning after sleeping on a sofa?" Jess asked. "I'll wake her."

Anita yawned and stirred. "No need… I'm awake." She struggled to get up. "I'll get going." She glanced around. "Everyone else gone?"

"Owen picked Chrissie up, and Lisa and Sandy just got a taxi," Kath explained.

"Okay." Anita yawned. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow." 

Diane followed her to the door. "Are you okay?"

Anita smiled. "Better after talking about it. Thanks, Diane. Have fun tomorrow." 

"Oh, I will," laughed Diane. "I can't wait."

*~*~*

"Ric!" Alex called, shaking him. "Ric, wake up!"

Ric mumbled something and rolled over.

"Zubin, come and help me!" Alex said, panicked. "Ric, for God's sake, get up, you're gonna miss your wedding if you're not careful!"

Zubin wandered over lazily. "Relax, Alex. He'll be up."

"Zubin, it's eleven o'clock, he's getting married at two!" Alex shook Ric again. "Get up!"

Ric groaned. "My head…"

"I'll get you some aspirin if you'll get up!" Alex was feeling desperate. "Ric, if you're late, Diane will kill me. Actually kill me, okay? So please, just get up!"

Ric sat up slowly. "Would Diane really kill you, do you think?"

"You haven't heard her threats," Alex laughed. "Most of them involved scalpels."

"Ouch," Ric sympathised, as Zubin laughed. "Don't worry, I'll get up."

*~*~*

"My hair looks weird," Diane commented, glancing at herself critically in the mirror.

"It looks lovely," Jess reassured her. "You have great hair."

Diane thanked her, but nevertheless began brushing her hair again. Kath grabbed the brush from her hand. "Diane, if you brush your hair any more it'll fall out. It looks wonderful."

"Thanks." Diane looked down at herself. She had to admit that she did look quite nice. After many protests, Ric and Jess had finally convinced her to wear a white dress. Diane had spent a good amount of time telling them that she shouldn't, that she wasn't exactly innocent, Olivia was proof of that. In the end, she had given in just for some peace and quiet. Besides, if they thought it was okay, that was all that mattered.

"Doesn't Mummy look nice, Olivia?" Kath asked the baby, who lunged at Diane and reached for her hair.

"Oh no you don't!" Diane told her, clutching her hands. She caught sight of the clock. "Oh God, we've got to go."

"Nervous?" Jess queried.

Diane shivered slightly. "A bit." She stood up and looked at herself in the mirror for a moment, thinking. This was it. She was finally going to marry Ric. They would be together forever. Nothing could change that.

*~*~*

"She's here," Zubin hissed, racing up to Ric. He glanced around the assembled group – Chrissie, Owen, Tom, Anita, Ed, Tricia, Robbie, Mubbs, Sandy, Lisa… 

"Wow, Diane's finally on time for something," Alex joked.

Ric took a deep breath as Diane walked in. She smiled shyly at him, and he knew that everyone staring at her was embarrassing her. He smiled back at her, and suddenly all her nerves fell away. What did she have to be nervous about? 

He held out his hand, and she closed her fingers around it, feeling safe and secure. "You look amazing," Ric whispered.

"You look pretty good yourself," she replied softly. 

The ceremony was a blur to Diane. She had imagined it so often that it seemed like a dream. It was only when she was repeating "'Til death us do part" that she realised it was actually happening. She was actually marrying Ric. She had to fight the urge to cry with pure happiness. 

Ric saw the tears in her eyes, and squeezed her hand gently. He could feel tears in his own eyes, but refused to let them fall. She would never forgive him if he cried. He had wanted Diane to be his wife for so long. And now she was.

"I now pronounce you man and wife."

Their eyes met, and suddenly Diane felt a tear slipping down her cheek. But she was smiling so hard that her face felt as though it would break in two. "I love you," she whispered, as Ric leaned in to kiss her, and they both laughed slightly as their friends began cheering – well, as Chrissie started cheering, and everyone else joined in. They were clinging together, laughing and crying at the same time, and soon even the cheering was just a blur to them. There was no one else in the room. They were flying, far away from the world, among the stars. 

*~*~*

Ric and Diane stood close together, not really dancing, but swaying in time to the music. It was nearing the end of the evening, and people were starting to disperse, but they wanted to stay there forever. 

"Did you have fun last night?" Ric queried.

"I suppose… I don't like being apart from you, though," Diane replied, enjoying being so close to him.

He kissed her hair gently. "Neither do I. But I promise you, if you want, I'll stay with you forever from now on. I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered, tilting her head upwards and kissing him. 

Kath and Zubin watched them. "They look happy," Kath commented.

"Yeah. I wonder if I'll ever have that," Zubin mused.

"Me too," Kath agreed. She glanced at Zubin, a new idea hitting her suddenly. He looked at her at the same moment. Both looked away shyly, but, when Diane glanced towards them a few moments later, they seemed to have overcome their shyness.

"Ric…" she nodded towards them.

He smiled. "Weddings bring out this sort of thing, don't they?"

She nestled a bit closer to him. "I'm glad for them. I think Kath's been very lonely recently."

"Zubin has too." Ric tightened his hold on Diane. "I'm so glad I've got you, you know. It can be pretty lonely, knowing that you're getting older and don't have anyone to be with."

"Well, you are getting on a bit…" Diane teased.

"Do you want to be added to my list of divorces?" he asked, jokingly.

She smiled at him. "No. Never. I love you – I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

"Nor do I," Ric replied seriously. "I love you too."

*~*~*

"That was fun," Anita commented, leaning back in her seat and yawning. They were driving home, it was a little past midnight, and she was exhausted.

"Yeah," Tom agreed, absently. It was one of those comments that you couldn't really answer.

"Suppose the next wedding now will be Josie's," Anita continued.

Tom turned to face her. "What? What's she said to you? Who's she seeing? She's not old enough to get married, for God's sake…"

Anita stopped him. "Tom, for Heaven's sake, I was just saying. Age-wise, I meant. I think Josie's single at the moment."

"Thank God." Tom breathed a sigh of relief and momentarily closed his eyes.

"Open your eyes, Tom, you're driving," Anita told him. "And since when did you become the over-protective father? Jo is a grown woman, she can do what she wants."

"She's my daughter."

"She's twenty-one, nearly twenty-two." Anita glanced in the rear-view mirror. "Does that car want to run us off the road?"

"I can handle it."

"I didn't say you couldn't." Nevertheless, Anita found herself clutching the door handle as the car began going faster. "Tom, you're going too fast."

"The car behind us…"

Tom's voice was drowned out by Anita's scream as there was a loud crash, and their car was thrown sideways. Everything blurred… one moment they were sitting in the car, driving along. The next, they were upside down, the right way up again, sideways, the wrong way… But then the car settled. For a moment, Anita thought it would be okay. She could see Tom, he was moving, she was awake, and everything was fine. But then she heard a sickening crunch – she wondered what it was. But she felt so tired… she couldn't think about that now. She just wanted to sleep… for a little bit… then she'd go and find help. But she could sleep for a while first. 

And so she closed her eyes.


	3. Nights In White Satin

Well, other than saying my computer wants to change Zubin to 'zucchini' – lol – I'll get on with it. I'm sure you all want to know what happens… Oh yeah, and the amount of people who told me that they didn't want Anita to die is quite amazing. However, not one single person said that they didn't want the Furby to die. Hmm…

The song at the end is "Nights In White Satin", and it is one of the best songs ever. Sounds great played on the piano, too (if you can play piano, then I strongly recommend "Making The Grade 3" – it has some great stuff in it!). I'm not 100% sure who sang "Nights In White Satin", though.

This is for Luce and Loren… love ya both! Luce, I don't think I could have written this part without your help. And Loren, just remember, we all love ya, 'kay?

*~*~*

Tom opened his eyes, and, trying to ignore the pain in his arm, glanced around. He was managing to stay fairly calm, keeping the terrible panic at bay, until he saw Anita. In that one instant, he thought that she was dead. And he didn't know what to do. One part of him was distraught… this was Anita, the love of his life, she was lying there, motionless, covered in blood, her eyes half-closed… He couldn't imagine his life without her. But another part of him was able to think quite rationally, and ask what he should do now. But that state only lasted for a moment. And, within seconds, grief had overwhelmed him, and he was trying hard not to choke on his own tears. He looked at Anita, concentrating hard, willing her to wake up. But she didn't. And, eventually, his eyes closed, and he slept, drifting in and out of consciousness.

*~*~*

Ric leant against the doorframe and watched Diane sleeping. She looked so peaceful. He smiled to himself, wanting to let her sleep. Unfortunately, at that moment, she stirred slightly, and opened her eyes. 

"Sleeping, Mrs Griffin?" Ric teased.

Diane smiled sleepily. "Hi." She yawned and sat up. "I need to get people to call me that more often. Sounds nice."

"It sounds perfect," corrected Ric, sitting down on the bed. "Just like this whole thing. You, me, Olivia…"

"Mitsy," Diane added, as the cat padded softly into the room and sat on Ric's lap.

"Mitsy," Ric agreed. 

Diane leaned against Ric, smiling. "You know, I don't think that I have ever been this happy."

"Not even when Olivia was born?"

She considered for a moment. "No. 'Cause now I have Livie, and I have you as well. Everything I ever wanted."

"You've always had me, Diane. All you ever had to do was say the word, you know." Ric glanced around. "So, where is Miss Waring?"

Diane laughed. "You only just realised she's not here? Nice to know how much attention you pay to her!" She smiled to show she was only joking. "Kath took her for the evening. Said that we'd probably want some privacy last night."

"I must thank her," Ric commented. 

"She should thank us," Diane retorted. "Livie is wonderful company."

"Except for the fact that she wakes us up at five in the morning, and stops us from doing anything too noisy at night…"

Diane put a hand over Ric's mouth. "You stop right now before you say something that I'll make you regret."

Ric laughed. "Fine, you know I love her really."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. Nearly as much as I love you, in fact."

*~*~*

Loren looked out of her window, and nearly screamed. In the road at the end of her garden, two cars were tangled together. As if that wasn't bad enough, she could see people in the cars. People. 

She dialled 999, and rushed downstairs. 

"Oh…" she murmured, as she saw the wreckage close to. She leant close to the window of the first car, and looked in. The seat was flipped backwards, obviously broken by the force of the crash. A woman lay unconscious, her face bruised, her eyes half-open, and her hands folded tightly across her pregnant stomach. And she looked… dead.

"Don't let her be dead, don't let her be dead," Loren whispered to herself. She felt for a pulse. Nothing. "Do something, oh, do something," Loren told herself sternly. She opened the car door, and, leaning over the woman's body, began to press down upon her chest. CPR. 

It seemed an eternity until she heard the approach of sirens. But approach they did, and Loren had never been so relieved in all her life. She felt for a pulse again, and gasped in surprise when one was there. Faint, but there. As she stepped back to let the paramedics through, one thought was running through her head.

"I saved her life."

*~*~*

The phone was ringing.

"Leave it," Diane suggested.

"It might be important…" Ric protested half-heartedly, but allowed Diane to kiss him, and the answering machine to click in.

"Ric, Diane, this is Kath," came the voice over the phone. Diane broke away hurriedly, afraid that something had happened to Olivia.

"Kath?" she asked, anxiously snatching up the phone. 

"Diane, hi," Kath sounded quite worried. "I'm sorry to wake you…"

"We were awake."

"Oh. Well, anyway, don't worry, everything's fine here, Olivia's fine," Kath hastened to reassure the anxious mother. "I need to talk to Ric, though."

"Ric?" Diane repeated. Ric, hearing his name, leaned over and took the phone.

"Hello," he answered Kath lazily.

"Ric, they need you at Holby… now." Kath didn't even bother to greet him.

"Kath… what? Why?" Ric asked, nevertheless standing up and opening the wardrobe.

Kath hesitated. "Tom and Anita were in a car crash. They were brought in ten minutes ago, and everywhere's desperately under-staffed. They need you, I'm going in early, but they want you and Diane to… well, to break some bad news to Tom."

"Bad news?" Ric repeated. 

"Just get down to Holby. I'll meet you there with Olivia." Kath hung up, and Ric turned to Diane.

"I'm so, so sorry."

"What?" she asked, warily.

"We're going into work."

"What? Ric!" Diane began hitting him with the pillow. 

"Look, get dressed, I'll tell you what Kath said." Ric began dressing, and Diane followed his example. "Tom and Anita were in a car crash."

Diane dropped the shirt she was holding. "Ric! No…"

"Kath says they want us in to break bad news to Tom." 

Diane sat down heavily on the bed. "Anita? Is she okay?"

"Kath didn't say. She just wants us to meet her there. She's taking Livie with her… you won't mind, for once?" Ric knew Diane's feelings on Olivia being in the hospital. She didn't want her little girl exposed to more suffering than was necessary.

But this time, Diane had no objections. How could she object? How could she object to going into work the day after her wedding, when two of her friends were… who knows what?

*~*~*

Zubin was trying vainly to feed Olivia, whilst Kath was dressing. Olivia, not used to Zubin, wanted her mother, and didn't want to eat. She'd already thrown the spoon down onto the table a few times, and once, with extraordinarily good aim for such a young baby, had hit Zubin's head. He was just glad that he wasn't dressed yet.

Kath, despite her worry, smiled when she entered the kitchen and saw Zubin, covered in Olivia's breakfast. "Having fun with Uncle Zubin, Livie?" she asked, taking the baby.

"Well, Uncle Zubin would much rather have fun with Aunty Kath," Zubin replied, snaking his arms around Kath's waist, and kissing her.

"Yes, well…" Kath pulled away. "Not in front of Olivia." She swatted him away. "Go get dressed."

"Not without a kiss," Zubin insisted.

"Fine." Kath twisted around, gave Zubin a quick peck on the lips, and turned to the sink, beginning to wash up, trying to hide her smile.

"That'll do for now." Zubin ruffled Kath's hair, and left the room to dress.

*~*~*

Anita knew that she was awake, even if she didn't bother to open her eyes. She could hear noises… well, Tom always was noisy. She turned to roll over, to pull the pillow over her head, try and drown out the beeping and whirring noises. But she couldn't. Her side hurt, her head hurt, and when she opened her eyes, she was lying in an unfamiliar room. Where the hell was she?

Her eyes flicked around the room in a second – taking in the bustle outside, the darkness inside, the monitors and machines, the IV drip in her arm, the tube in her mouth, the blanket tucked tightly around her… too tightly. Her stomach was smaller than it had been in a long time. Oh god, where was her baby? She was beginning to panic when the door was pushed open.

"You're awake, then?"

She twisted her head to look, and saw Owen. She tried to speak, but was unable to, because of the tube in her mouth. Owen removed it, and she coughed for a second, and then spoke, anxiously.

"The baby… where's my baby?" There was barely controlled panic in her voice, and she was surprised to find that she cared so much.

Owen sat down. "In the special care baby unit."

"Wh… why?" Anita hauled herself into a sitting position, wincing. She felt terrible. She had never felt this bad, not ever. But at the moment, she just wanted to find out about the baby. The feeling in her throat was nothing to do with the breathing tubes. No tubes could make someone feel like this.

"We take all premature babies there, Anita. You had a baby ten weeks early, it's not something to be taken lightly." Owen paused. "But there's something else. Before we got you out of the car, something happened, and, well… your heart stopped beating for a little while."

Anita tried to take this in. "I was dead?"

Owen nodded. "But, although it's obviously not done you any lasting harm, we don't know yet what it might have done to the baby. At the moment, he can't breathe for himself, and… well, it's touch and go, I'm afraid."

"He?" Anita repeated.

Owen smiled at her, and adjusted the IV. "Yes, he. You had a little boy." 

Anita tried to work out what she thought of this information. "Oh." Unlike Tom, she hadn't even thought of whether she'd prefer a boy or a girl. Tom had wanted a boy, then a girl, then a boy… he'd changed his mind twenty times a day, it seemed.

"Do you want to see him?" Owen queried.

It seemed as though she had to say yes. But she didn't want to. Not yet, anyway. She glanced out of the doorway. "No. Not yet."

Owen smiled at her, sympathetically. And his sympathy hurt so much.

*~*~*

Sandy and Ed were standing awkwardly at the doorway to Tom's room. "Should we go in?" Sandy whispered.

"You can…" Ed suddenly thought of something. "I'm going to call Josie." He walked off before Sandy could object. She sighed, and, taking a deep breath, pushed the door open.

"Mr Campbell-Gore?" she asked, timidly.

Tom sat up, cradling his painful arm. "Yes, Nurse Harper?" he asked, somewhat frostily, hoping that the tear tracks didn't show on his face.

"I just came to see if you… if you wanted anything." Sandy was feeling quite ill at ease. "Oh, and Mr Keating is calling Josie for you."

Tom nodded. "Thank you." He looked at his arm sadly. "I don't need anything, thank you." Just my wife, he added to himself. 

"Are you sure?" Sandy persisted. "I can get you some painkillers if your arm hurts too much…"

"It's fine. My arm doesn't hurt." Well, it does, it's broken, but a broken arm is less painful than a broken heart.

As Sandy was leaving, he forced himself to call out to her. "Do you – I mean, have you – have you heard anything about my… about Anita?" He needed to cling onto the one shred of hope that told him that Anita was still alive. 

Sandy shook her head, looking sorrowful. "Last I heard, she was up in maternity. I haven't heard anything for a few hours, though, I'm afraid."

"Maternity?" Tom's heart missed a beat. "Is she okay?" 

"I really don't know, I'm afraid." Sandy looked towards the door. "I can phone Mr Davis if you want."

"I don't want to cause a fuss…"

"It's no trouble, honestly," Sandy assured him, backing out of the room. "I'll find out."

Tom lay back, feeling a bit happier. Anita was alive. What else could possibly matter? The pain in his arm seemed to have lessened… everything was bearable now.

*~*~*

Diane and Ric hurried anxiously into the ward, to be greeted by the sound of a wailing baby, whom Diane immediately identified as Olivia. They hastened towards Kath's office.

"Hey, angel," Diane greeted her daughter.

"I think she wanted her mother," Kath commented, handing Olivia and her pink bear over.

"And 'angel' isn't exactly applicable," Zubin added. "'Devil' might be more appropriate."

"Oi!" Diane protested. "You be careful what you say about my daughter, Prof."

"I'm just saying what I've noticed in the few hours that I've known her… she's certainly no angel," Zubin teased.

Ric decided it was probably safer to steer the conversation away from Olivia's nicknames. "So… is Tom anywhere about?"

Kath nodded soberly. "He's in the side room." 

Diane sat down, Olivia on her lap. "What do we have to do, exactly?"

Zubin sighed. "Well, he needs surgery on his arm… broken in multiple places, at one point the bone's pierced the skin…"

Ric grimaced. "And we're doing that?"

"Afraid so," Zubin told him.

"But first…" Kath interrupted. "You need to break the news about Anita. Gently."

"What news would that be?" Diane queried. "Is she okay?"

Kath looked sombre. "Not really. When they found her, at the crash site, her heart had stopped. They got her resuscitated and stable, but when they got her back here, the baby was having difficulties. She had a little boy, by C-section. But…" She trailed off, and Zubin continued.

"He was deprived of oxygen, and basically, it's touch and go for whether he's going to make it." He put one hand on Kath's shoulder, and Ric, seeing it, smiled.

"Poor Anita," Diane whispered, lost in thought.

"Poor Tom," Ric commented.

"No… oh, it's going to be worse for Anita, much worse," Diane realised. 

Ric nodded, and took Livie from Diane. "We should leave her here. Kath, do you mind…?" He gestured to the baby.

"Not at all," Kath replied. "She's a lovely baby… even if she isn't always angelic," she added, with a mischievous grin towards Zubin. "I think she just doesn't like Zubin."

"Well, can you blame her?" Diane asked, teasingly.

Ric took Diane's arm and steered her out of the room. "So… let's go see what Tom Campbell-Gore is like as a patient."

*~*~*

Josie turned her key in the lock, and pushed the door open. "Dad? Anita?" she called. "Anyone home?" She glanced around the hallway, and decided, from the absence of Anita's shoes and Tom's keys, that they'd already left. It was perhaps a good thing. She'd stayed out all night with a guy… something she knew that Tom disapproved of, although, as she'd told him many times, he was a fine one to talk. 

The post was lying on the mat… that was unusual. Anita always picked the post up. Maybe she'd overslept that morning. Josie flicked through it… bills… junk… bills… junk… nothing interesting. It was tempting to throw it all away, but she placed it neatly on the telephone table instead, and listened to the messages on the answering machine.

"You have three new messages. Message one, received at three…"

"Get on with it," Josie mumbled, tapping her finger on the polished wood.

"Tom, this is your mother…" 

Josie sighed, and pressed the 'skip' button.

"Message two, received at five…" the machine droned on, and signalled that that message had been left blank.

"Time wasters," Josie muttered.

"Message three, received at nine thirty-six." Josie glanced at her watch – that was about five minutes ago. The machine clicked in, and a fairly familiar voice spoke. "Josie? This is Ed Keating…" Hmm… that name sounded familiar. Who was he? "I work with your father, I'm his registrar." That's it. "I need to speak to you, so can you call me when you get this message, please?" He gave his number, and Josie wrote it down quickly. "Thanks. Bye!"

Josie, feeling apprehensive, began dialling. A woman answered. "Holby City Hospital, Keller ward. This is Diane Griffin speaking."

"Erm… this is Joanna Whitten." She paused, uncertain of what to say next. "Erm, I'm ringing to speak to Ed Keating, if that's possible, please."

"Of course." There was a slight noise as the phone was held away from Diane's ear, and Josie heard a shout of "Ed! Phone!"

In a few moments, Ed had picked the phone up. "Josie, hi."

"You said you needed to speak to me."

"Yeah… I'm afraid that, well, your father and Anita were in a car crash." Ed sounded worried.

Josie felt as though the breath had been knocked out of her. "Are they okay?"

"Your father has a broken arm, he'll need surgery but he's fine. Anita… well, she's stable." Ed paused. "It might be best if you came down here."

"Sure… of course, yeah." Josie began stuffing her feet back into her shoes, not bothering to think about the fact that she was hungry. She had lost one parent already. She couldn't lose any more.

*~*~*

"Tom?" Ric asked, pushing the door open.

Tom sat up and opened his eyes. "Ric. Nice to see you."

"I wish I could say the same," Ric said, allowing a chuckle.

Tom glanced apprehensively at Ric and Diane. "So they called both of you back? Something's not right, then."

Diane smiled awkwardly. 

"Is it bad news about me, or about Anita?" Tom asked, bluntly.

"You're fairly straightforward," Diane said, quietly. "Broken arm… we need to take you down to theatre, to set it…"

"I know what you'll be doing, Miss Lloyd," Tom replied, impatiently.

"Mrs Griffin," Diane mumbled, but didn't dare to say it out loud. 

"Look, Tom, the reason we've come is to talk about Anita," Ric explained. 

"What's the matter with her?" Tom demanded, anxiously.

"She's stable, she's stable, don't worry," Ric hastened to reassure him. He gave a brief version of Kath's explanation, trying to soften the blow about the baby as much as he dared.

Tom tried not to show how much this affected him. He was nearly crying. His baby… his son. He had a son. Diane, guessing how he felt, motioned to Ric that they should leave. Before leaving, Ric paused at the door. "Ed's called your daughter, she says she'll be here in about ten minutes."

"Thank you." And, the moment that the door clicked shut, he began to sob.

*~*~*

"Nita?" Josie knocked softly on the door of Anita's room. 

Anita, sitting cross-legged on the bed, staring at her hands, didn't look up as Josie entered. "Yeah."

"You look better than I thought you would," Josie commented, seating herself in a chair. "You haven't got needles in your arms or anything."

"Yeah." Owen had told her that, as she didn't need to be connected to any wires or tubes, it was fine for her to move around a bit, as long as she took it easy.

"How are you?" Josie asked, trying desperately to get some sort of response from her friend.

This did get a response. Anita's head shot up, and she glared at Josie. "I was in a car crash. I had to be resuscitated. When I woke up, I wasn't pregnant any more. I don't know what's happened to my husband. So, yeah, I'm absolutely bloody fine."

Josie shook her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't think."

Anita looked back at her hands again. "'S okay."

Josie put one hand on Anita's. "C'mon, Nita, don't shut us out."

"I'm not."

"You are." Josie squeezed her hand. "Talk… say something, anything. Tell me what you're feeling or something."

Anita looked at Josie, her piercing blue eyes almost making her stepdaughter uncomfortable. "You want me to talk? Okay. I'll tell you what I'm feeling. I feel guilty." She barrelled on before Josie could say anything else. "Because I didn't want the baby." The stare she was giving Josie was almost painful now. "And I don't mean that I had one or two doubts. I mean that, every single morning, the first thing I thought was that I didn't want to be a mother, and it was the last thing that I worried about at night. And now… now I'm getting my wish. I'm not going to be a mother." She looked back at her hands again, ashamed of her outburst. Ashamed of her feelings. Terrified that Josie would judge her. 

But she didn't. She just hugged her. "Oh, Nita. Oh God…" And Josie wanted so desperately to be able to tell her friend that it would all be okay. But she couldn't, and Anita knew that. 

*~*~*

"Kath, do you mind looking after Livie whilst we're in theatre?" Diane asked, entering Kath's office, Olivia in her arms.

"Define 'looking after'… if you want me to check in on her every so often, then I can do that. If you want me to entertain her and never let her out of my sight, then I can't do that, I'm afraid," Kath replied, apologetically.

"No, I'm not asking that," Diane replied. "It's nearly naptime anyway, so if I just put her down, can you check on her occasionally? We shouldn't be _too_ long anyway."

"I'll do it, don't worry." Kath smiled at the baby.

"I wouldn't ask, but I… well, it's an emergency." Diane turned away so that Kath wouldn't see her face. 

*~*~*

Owen walked into the special care unit, and stopped before an incubator marked "Baby Gore". He looked at the baby in there… it was always hard, to see this, but when he knew the baby's parents, it was even harder. He couldn't even begin to comprehend how Tom and Anita must be feeling right now. 

"How's it looking?" Owen asked the paediatrician.

She looked up, soberly. "Not good, I'm afraid." She looked down to the baby again. "Not at all good."

*~*~*

"Like that?" Diane queried, stepping back so that Ric could see what she'd done.

"Very good. I'll tell him to thank you when he comes round." 

"He won't have time for that." Diane finished up quickly, and left to reclaim her daughter. The office was deserted, and she sat down and began to talk to Livie.

"I don't know. It just feels like… like it's just an ordinary day, not like we got married yesterday." She sighed, and blinked hurriedly to rid her eyes of the tears that had formed. Olivia looked quizzically at her mother, and Diane laughed weakly. "Don't get me wrong, angel, don't ever think that your Uncle Ric isn't the nicest, kindest, most loving man alive. And I shouldn't be complaining, not when I think about what Anita must be going through, oh God, that poor girl! Just… sometimes it feels as though he's taking me for granted."

Ric, standing in the doorway, walked away quickly.

*~*~*

As Tom came around from the operation, Josie stood up and walked over to him.

"Hey."

Tom struggled to manoeuvre himself into a sitting position. "Hello."

"How are you feeling?"

He looked at his arm disconsolately. "As well as can be expected. Have you seen Anita?"

Josie perched herself on the bed. "I did."

"Is she…?" He didn't dare ask how she was. He'd heard Diane and Ric's version, but that was their professional opinion. Josie wasn't a doctor – she was Anita's best friend. 

Josie paused. "I think… she's not too good, Dad." Before he had a chance to panic, she continued. "Physically, she's getting better. But… well, if there was ever a time a psychiatrist was needed, it's now." She paused again. "I think you need to talk to her."

Tom began to get up. "Right. Whereabouts is she?"

"Maternity, of course. But Dad, wait. They won't let you go, I mean…"

"Josie, I'm the clinical director of this hospital, I can do what I want." Tom stood up slightly woozily. The fact that he wasn't feeling well was nothing compared to the fact that Anita needed him. 

Diane, alerted by the commotion, came in. "Why are you out of bed?"

"I'm going to see Anita." Tom's face was creased with concentration as he tried to put on his slippers with his left hand. 

"Wait." Josie stood up again. "Before you see her, you should… well, you should probably know a bit about why she feels like she does."

Diane kept quiet, and stayed by the door. Tom didn't seem to notice; he was too worried about Josie's comment. "What do you mean?" he demanded of Josie.

"She feels guilty, Dad," Josie informed him. "Because she told me that she… well, she didn't think that… she didn't…" She trailed off, uncertain of how to put it. "She didn't want the baby," she finished, eventually. Within ten minutes, Josie and Diane had told Tom all there was to know about Anita's problems. 

"Why… why didn't she tell me?" he asked, slowly, trying to comprehend it. 

"Because you were so happy," Diane told him. "She didn't want to take away from that."

"But… she could have told me, I would have helped her…"

"Don't judge her. Sometimes it's too hard to say anything."

*~*~*

"Zube! Zube!" Ric hissed, catching hold of Zubin's sleeve.

"Yes?" Zubin stopped, and let Ric drag him into Kath's office, where she was seated, filing and singing a lullaby to Olivia at the same time.

"I need to talk to you two." Ric glanced over his shoulder to make sure that Diane was nowhere near. 

"Go ahead," Zubin replied, sitting on the desk and reaching over to take a biscuit from the tin. Kath swatted his hand away. 

"When you've finished fighting," Ric teased, before turning serious. "Look, it's about Diane."

"Trouble in Paradise already?" Kath queried.

"Something like that." Ric shook his head. "Look, I think Diane feels that I'm taking her for granted."

"Why?"

"Because she said so," Ric said, sheepishly. "I need to make her realise that I'm not, and that I don't think today is just a normal day. So I've got a favour to ask."

*~*~*

Tom knocked on the door of Anita's room gently, and went in. She looked up automatically as he entered, and Tom was struck by how young she looked. She was thirty, nearly thirty-one, but at that moment, she looked more like twenty. She looked young, vulnerable, wounded. Ever since he had known Anita, she had been the one in control. She was independent, she didn't need help, she was 'together'… but today she wasn't. 

She was sat, cross-legged, on the bed, amidst crumpled blankets and sheets. She wasn't crying, but her eyes were red-rimmed. Her long hair was hiding her face, providing shelter from the outside world. She was picking at a loose thread on the sleeve of her jumper, and she was studiously not looking at a scrap of paper on the bed. To most people, she would have looked hideous. To Tom, she had never looked more beautiful.

When she saw him, she smiled slightly. "Tom."

He sat down next to her on the bed, and took one of her hands in his. "Anita." He picked up the scrap of paper, and looked at it. It was a photo. "Is this him?"

"No, they just gave me a photo of a random baby." She winced as she heard the words. She hadn't willed them… they had just come. "I'm sorry."

He squeezed her hand. "Don't worry. Have you seen him?" He held the photo out to her, and she turned away. She didn't want to look at it… at her son. Her baby. 

"No." This was it, she had to tell him, she needed to. But she didn't want to. She couldn't bear to see the hurt in his eyes. But she had to. "Tom, I… about the baby, I need to tell you…"

He put a finger on her lips. "I know. And I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say something? Anita, I never would have forced you into something that you didn't want to do. I love you too much to do that."

He knew. He knew, and he still loved her. How could he do that? "How…?" she asked, half-forming the question.

"Josie and Diane told me." He put his good arm around her. "I'm not judging you. I'd never do that. I'm sorry that I was so enthusiastic, I know I must have hurt you so much."

"Why are you sorry?" she whispered, taking hold of his bad arm and holding it gently. "I'm the one who should be sorry… this is all my fault."

"How?"

"I didn't want him… I prayed, oh, Tom, I have never prayed in all my life, not since I was a child, and I prayed, prayed, that I wouldn't have to be a mother. And now… now I'm not going to be." Tears were making their way down her cheeks now, visible even through the veil of hair. 

It hurt Tom to hear Anita say that, but he knew that she was young, that her career meant a lot to her, that they hadn't planned the baby. Unbidden, images of Jenn, Josie's mother, flooded his mind. How had she reacted when Josie was born? He would never know. How would he have reacted if he had stayed, if he had even known that Jenn had been pregnant? He would never know. Those were opportunities that he had lost. But this… this, he hadn't lost, not yet. And Anita had not lost her chance to get to know this baby. To love this baby.

"No. This is not your fault, not at all, Anita." He kissed her hair. "Nothing in this is your fault. The driver of the other car was drunk. Zubin told me." He handed her a tissue. "Do you want to see him?" he asked, tentatively.

Anita opened her mouth to say no. She wasn't ready. She couldn't do it. That would be as though she was accepting it. She couldn't accept it. But suddenly, from deep inside of her, came feelings, feelings that contrasted everything she had ever felt before. It was as though someone had knocked her down. She was reeling from it; it was like a deep grief, as though she had lost someone she loved; it was a sickness, a feeling that she had one chance to do this, and if she didn't take the chance, she would regret it forever. Carpe diem – seize the day. And she looked up at Tom, and spoke. 

"I'd like to."

*~*~*

"Ric, why on earth have you brought me up to the roof, of all places…?" Diane's protestations trailed off as she saw the "picnic" that Kath and Zubin had set up for them. "Oh, Ric!"

Ric smiled at her. "Don't you ever think that I take you for granted, Diane. I love you, just remember that."

"Like I could ever forget."

Ric laughed, spotting the portable CD player that Zubin had brought up. "Oh dear… how tacky."

Diane followed his glance. "How's that tacky?"

"You don't know Zubin's taste in music, do you?" Ric asked. "The soppiest stuff ever."

Diane shrugged. "It can't be _that_ bad."

"We'll see." Ric pressed 'play', and waited a moment. 

"Not tacky at all," Diane commented, as she heard the first few lines of the song.

*~*~*
    
    _Nights in white satin,_
    
    _Never reaching the end,_
    
    _Letters I've written,_
    
    _Never meaning to send._
    
    *~*~*
    
    "This was the first song we danced to, wasn't it?" Diane reminisced.
    
    "It was," he agreed, smiling. He held out his hand. "May I have this dance, Mrs Griffin?"
    
    Diane laughed. "You may." As she laid her head on Ric's shoulder, she felt guilty for thinking that he was taking her for granted. She was so lucky. So unbelievably lucky. It almost felt wrong that she should be so lucky. Things like this didn't happen to her. For so long, her life hadn't gone well… and now, well, it was more than making up for all those horrible times. 
    
    *~*~*
    
    _Beauty I'd always missed_
    
    _With these eyes before,_
    
    _Just what the truth is_
    
    _I can't say anymore._
    
    *~*~*
    
    Anita felt Tom's hand on her shoulder, and was glad of it. She needed his support more than ever at the moment. Owen led them into the room, and left them alone. There was total silence as Anita looked at the baby. All the time she had been pregnant, she had been unable to think of him as a real baby. She had been unable to care about him, to love him. But this… this was different. This wasn't a white smudge on a black screen, it was a baby. 
    
    "He looks like you," Tom whispered. It was true. Anita had never believed that babies could look like their parents… they were just babies. They all looked the same. But this baby didn't. He looked… Anita almost hesitated in thinking it, but he looked like her baby. He was her baby, no matter how much she'd tried to deny it. 
    
    "He does," she agreed, feeling tears welling up in her eyes. "He really does."
    
    *~*~*
    
    _'Cause I love you,_
    
    _Yes, I love you,_
    
    _Oh, how, I love you._
    
    *~*~*
    
    "I think she's asleep," Zubin commented, laying Olivia in the pushchair. He looked at her gently. "I'll always regret not spending more time with Sahar when she was that age."
    
    "I'm sure Diane will let you spend time with Livie if you ask nicely," Kath told him. She glanced up uncomfortably. "Zubin… about last night…"
    
    Zubin looked up. "Is this where you tell me that it was just a bit of fun and must go no further?"
    
    "No. Oh, no, how could you think that?" She hoped desperately that that wasn't what Zubin thought. 
    
    "It seemed the natural thing to assume," he replied.
    
    "That's not what I meant at all!" She took a deep breath. "What I was going to say was… well, if you wanted, then… then, well…" She hoped that he would catch what she was trying to say, and put her out of her misery. This was too hard. No self-respecting woman should ever have to go through this. 
    
    Zubin smiled at her, guessing what she was thinking. "I do want." 
    
    *~*~*
    
    _Gazing at people,_
    
    _Some hand in hand,_
    
    _Just what I'm going through _
    
    _They can understand._
    
    *~*~*
    
    "This is all my fault," Anita whispered, partly to Tom, but partly to herself. The guilt was intensified, so much, by seeing the baby in front of her. The child whose life she had affected. A tiny defenceless baby, and she had prayed for him to die. She had caused this, she was the reason he was lying there, his eyes screwed shut and his tiny body covered in tubes and wires. 
    
    Tom gripped her hand. "Anita, this is not your fault at all. Whatever you felt has not affected anything. The only person who was at fault is the bastard who was drunk at the wheel, okay? You have done nothing wrong."
    
    It didn't convince her, not by far, but it helped. Slightly. 
    
    *~*~*
    
    _Some try to tell me_
    
    _Thoughts they cannot defend,_
    
    _Just what you want to be_
    
    _You will be in the end,_
    
    *~*~*
    
     Chrissie groaned as she sank into a chair. "Oh, God, I wish I could just have the baby today and be done with it."
    
    Owen smiled, and started rubbing her stomach. "Don't wish that, love." He looked sorrowfully at Katie, playing pat a cake with Amanda in the corner of the room. "Don't rush anything."
    
    Chrissie placed her hand on Owen's. "What's the matter?"
    
    He looked back at his wife. "Do you know Anita Campbell-Gore?"
    
    Chrissie nodded, remembering the quiet woman from two nights previously. "Yeah, I met her at Diane's the other day."
    
    "She was seven months pregnant," Owen informed her. "She and Tom were in a car crash last night. They brought Anita in this morning, and she was… well, in a bad way, to put it simply. She's recovering, but we had to deliver the baby." Chrissie looked at him, an unasked question on her lips, and Owen shook his head. "No."
    
    Chrissie laid her head on Owen's shoulder. "Oh God. Poor Anita." She looked around, taking in the scene in the living room – her precious baby girl, her beloved husband, the stepdaughter whom she loved as though she were her own, and finally, the presence of the new baby. She felt very lucky.
    
    *~*~*
    
    _And I love you,_
    
    _Yes, I love you,_
    
    _Oh, how, I love you._
    
    _Oh, how, I love you._
    
    *~*~*
    
    "What do you want to call him?" Tom queried.
    
    "You liked Benjamin," Anita replied, not really thinking.
    
    "I asked what you wanted to call him, Anita." He knew, somehow, inexplicably, that he needed to get her to understand this. And she knew, somehow, inexplicably, that he felt this was important. Deep down, she could see, somehow, that this was a step towards acceptance. Accepting that this was her baby. And so she thought. Not just idle, pretending to think, as she had done whenever Tom had asked her opinions on anything baby-related in the past. She gave her whole attention to it, wanting not to mess this up, not like she had messed up the rest of this child's life. The least she could do was give him a name. It would be something that she had done for him as a mother. Maybe the only thing she could do for him. 
    
    Of its own accord, her hand reached out and touched the baby's cheek. "Gabriel."
    
    *~*~*
    
    _Nights in white satin,_
    
    _Never reaching the end,_
    
    _Letters I've written,_
    
    _Never meaning to send._
    
    *~*~*
    
    Diane giggled as Ric handed her a sandwich. "This is quite weird."
    
    "What, you mean you've never eaten sandwiches on the roof of the hospital before?" he joked.
    
    "You know, I don't think I have," Diane replied, after considering it sarcastically for a few moments. She glanced up as she felt a drop of water on her nose. "I think it's raining."
    
    Ric sighed. "Typical luck." He began to pack away their picnic, and they got up, making their way to the door. "It was fun whilst it lasted, though."
    
    "It really was," Diane agreed, kissing him.  They broke apart after a few moments, laughing, as they realised that the rain was getting heavier. Diane led the way through the corridors, back to Kath's office.
    
    *~*~*
    
    _Beauty I'd always missed_
    
    _With these eyes before,_
    
    _Just what the truth is_
    
    _I can't say anymore._
    
    *~*~*
    
    Olivia woke up as Diane lifted her out of the pushchair. "I hope she wasn't too much trouble," Diane said to Kath.
    
    "She's an angel, like you said," Kath replied.
    
    "She is, isn't she?" Diane asked, proudly. She smoothed the baby's hair down gently, and glanced at her watch. "We should go, Ric, we need to get Livie to bed and to sleep."
    
    Ric laughed. "She seemed to be sleeping just a moment ago…" He stopped as Diane glared at him. "But you're her mother, you know best."
    
    "Thank you. Wave bye-bye to Aunty Kath and Uncle Zubin, then," Diane told Olivia, who obediently waved. But, as Diane laughingly told her baby to say goodbye, Anita was tearfully praying that her own baby would not say goodbye. Not now. Not ever.
    
    *~*~*
    
    _'Cause I love you,_
    
    _Yes, I love you,_
    
    _Oh, how, I love you._
    
    _Oh, how, I love you._
    
    *~*~*__
    
    ****
    
    **_There is one more part to come (I know I said it was only going to be three parts, but I, erm, changed my mind). And then I'm gonna do an epilogue… so you're not getting rid of me for a while yet! *hears groans*_**


	4. Blessed

_Last part, then. I'm not going to do an epilogue, because… well, because if I do, then I'll never end this, and, much as I love writing it, I want to quit while I'm ahead. So, firstly, thanks to **everyone** who's read this and replied to it. Luce, Loren, Leanne, Vicky, and Kat especially. And an extra thanks to Luce and Loren, you don't know how much help you've been! Love ya both!_

_And secondly, erm, this is very long. It was intended to have equal amounts of all the characters, but, erm, that plan went out the window. So this is mainly about Anita. But the others are in it quite a bit. And besides, we all like Anita, right?_

_So, ah, enjoy… _

=================

"Do you have any suitcases?" Ric asked Diane, as he strolled into the kitchen and stole a slice of toast from her plate.

"Why, are you kicking me out?" she teased.

"No, I was just wondering." He lifted Olivia out of her highchair. 

"Oh come on, Ric, you don't just ask me if I have any suitcases!" Diane exclaimed. "Why?" 

He laughed. "There's no getting past you, is there?" 

"None at all. Tell me!" she insisted.

"Patience is a virtue, you know, Diane…"

"And one that I haven't got. Tell me!"

He laughed. "Fine, fine. I felt bad about going into work the day after we got married, so I booked us a holiday."

"Ooh!" she squealed, sobering quickly. "Us? As in…?"

"You, me, and Livie." He looked down at Olivia. "As if I'd ever make you leave this little one somewhere."

"That's good… where? When?" She swatted his hand away as he reached out for her cup of tea. "I made that, get your own!"

Ric placed Olivia in her mother's lap and went to get himself some breakfast. "You know how Zubin's got that house in America?"

"No, but carry on," Diane replied, beginning to feed Olivia.

"He's got a house in America," Ric explained. "Somewhere near the coast, Cape Cod."

She shrugged. "Never heard of it."

"Well, that's where we're going. We're flying at nine tonight." He took a sip of his tea. "I think the milk's gone off."

"Tonight? Ric, we need to pack, Livie doesn't have a passport…" 

Ric put a hand up to silence her. "Jess took Livie to get a passport two weeks ago, it came last week."

"Packing?"

"You've got all day." He kissed her hair. "We're going for a week. You don't need that much."

"Travelling with a baby, Ric." She lifted Livie up, as if to prove that she did in fact have a baby.

"We'll be fine."

*~*~*

"Sister Fox," Zubin said, politely, as he passed Kath.

"Professor Khan," she replied, decorously. 

Zubin leant close to her, wrapping his arms around her waist and whispered in her ear. "We're on for tonight, are we?"

"Of course," she murmured, turning and kissing him quickly on the lips. "Now go, before someone sees you!" She enjoyed being with Zubin, but didn't want their romance to be the talk of the hospital. She'd had enough of her private life being everyone's business. She was truly happy for once, and, whilst she wanted everyone to know how happy she was, she also wanted to keep Zubin all to herself. 

*~*~*

Anita looked up as Tom entered. "Hi."

"You okay?" he asked, sitting on the bed next to her.

"I feel fine. Just…" She shrugged. "You know." 

He nodded. "I know." He paused for a moment, and then placed an envelope on the bed. "This came this morning."

"What is it?" she asked, opening it. She looked at the card inside for a moment, and put it down on the bed, feeling her lips quivering, about to cry. 

"Ed says he wasn't sure whether to send it or not," Tom said, looking at the card. 

Anita nodded. "I'm not sure what to do with it." She glanced towards the cabinet, where there were two more cards – one from Ric and Diane, and one from Chrissie and Owen. Diane and Ric hadn't sent a congratulations card, but rather a 'thinking of you' card instead. Anita preferred that. Congratulations… it seemed a funny thing to say. She hadn't done anything to be proud of. But then you can't buy guilt cards, can you?

"Who brought you?" Anita queried, suddenly realising that Tom couldn't have driven himself, not with a broken arm. He'd been allowed home nearly two weeks before, and, as he couldn't work, spent as much time as possible with Anita, who hadn't yet been allowed home. She was getting frustrated. She wanted to be somewhere where she wasn't constantly being reminded of the baby, of what she had done. Because, in spite of what Tom, Josie, and even Diane and Chrissie, who'd both been to visit, had told her, Anita still felt that, somehow, she was to blame for this.

"Josie," Tom replied, in answer to Anita's question. "She's somewhere around here… probably eyeing up some poor defenceless man."

Anita smiled politely. 

"Have you seen him today?" asked Tom.

"Him, the baby, or him, Owen or Mubbs?" She knew whom Tom meant, but she just wanted to delay things for a moment. She had spent the last three weeks praying that the baby would live, so that she wouldn't have to spend the rest of her life with the constant companion of guilt. But she knew that when the baby was better, she would have to take him home and be his mother. And she didn't know how she would be able to deal with that. "I've not seen any of them."

They sat in silence for a few moments.

"This wasn't how it was meant to be," Anita said softly. "It wasn't meant to be like this at all."

"I know." Tom put his good arm around her.

Anita sniffled slightly, wiping her eyes with her hand. "He'll be okay, won't he?"

"I wish I could say that he will." Tom blinked hurriedly to rid his eyes of the tears that were gathering there. There was something that he wanted to tell Anita, and he needed to stay strong for her reaction. She might not take it well, but he wanted to tell her. "Anita, we need to talk about… about this."

"What about it?"

He looked at her, her head lying on his shoulder. "Anita, you need to…" He sighed. 

"To love him. I know." She sat up. "It's hard. I can't… because, Tom, what if… what if he dies?"

"What if I die? What if Josie dies? It doesn't change things. You need to take a risk, Anita." He kissed her hair. "If he dies, which would hurt more? To know that you pulled away from him, that you didn't help your son when he needed it the most? Or to know that you loved him, that you gave him all that you could – all that he deserves, Anita."

"But…" She trailed off. "You're right. But… You're good at this whole parenting thing."

"How did you work that out?" He was confused.

"Josie."

He laughed. "Anita, I didn't meet Josie until she was twenty. The way I treat her is very different to the way I treat our newborn son. I didn't have to do any 'parenting' with Josie. Jenn did all of that."

"But…" She paused, trying to think of how to phrase her comment. "I mean, you got used to Josie really quickly."

Tom looked at her. "If it comes to that, then so did you."

"But I'm not trying to be her mother!" Anita protested. "She's my best friend." She looked at Tom. "I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act around the baby. You can, I can't, and I just… what do I do? You have to help me, what do I need to do?"

He smiled slightly, through the mist of tears that had settled in his eyes. "See him. Talk to him. Spend time with him."

"Talk to him? What about? Do you…?" She couldn't form the complete questions.

"I talk to him about lots of things. I was reading to him yesterday."

"Can he hear you? I mean, isn't he asleep?" Anita queried.

He smoothed her hair away from her face. "He might be. I don't know. Or he might be taking after his mummy already and listening with his eyes closed," he added, teasingly. It was a long-running joke between them – when she had been his doctor, he told her that, often, when he was talking, he would look up at her face and see that she had her eyes closed. She had told him that no, she hadn't been sleeping – often she found it easier to listen when she had her eyes shut.

She smiled slightly. "Could be." The fact that he had called her the baby's 'mummy' had hit her. It was one thing to say she was a mother. Mummy… that had different associations. It had been Mummy who she had gone to when she was two years old and had cut her knee, Mummy sorted out arguments between siblings, Mummy was the one who made everything better. Could she be someone's Mummy?

*~*~*

"Alex?" Jess began, sitting down next to him on the sofa.

"Yes?" he asked, warily. Like Ric, Alex had grown to understand when the tone in Jess' voice suggested 'I want money'. And that was how she sounded now.

"How do you feel about… y'know…?" Jess waved her hands around vaguely, not wanting to form the words, not wanting to ruin Alex's happiness. Her happiness, even. 

"Magic tricks?" he suggested, genuinely confused.

Jess hit him. "No. You know…"

"Do you want money?" Alex queried, feeling that it would be better to just cut to the chase.

"No. You're as bad as Dad, you know that?" Jess teased. It was easier to just make a joke, lighten the atmosphere slightly. They'd all need light relief soon, probably.

"God help me," Alex sighed. "Go on then… how do I feel about what?"

"Kids." Jess looked away. 

"Are you saying that you want kids?" Alex looked into his girlfriend's eyes. 

"Not exactly. More like, ah…" She waved her hands around again, hoping that Alex would catch what she meant, that she wouldn't have to explain it. In a few seconds, he spoke again.

"Are you pregnant?"

Jess winced. "Sort of."

Alex leant back on the sofa, breathing deeply. "Okay." He needed to process this. Pregnant. He was going to be a father. He couldn't help but remember the last time that Jess had told him she was pregnant. He had known what he thought then… he didn't want it. But now, now was a different matter. They were in a secure relationship, they loved each other… it was the best possible scenario to bring a baby into. Except… he was ill. His Parkinson's would never go away. It would only get worse. Jess would end up caring for two people. Then, there was the chance that he wouldn't see the baby grow up. Jess would be alone. It wasn't about how he felt. Did Jess know the full extent of this?

Jess studied his face critically. "What do you think?"

"I think… what I think doesn't matter." He put a hand on Jess' stomach. "I'm pleased. But… you?"

Jess smiled. "Good. Then I'm pleased too."

He turned serious. "But Jess, you do realise that I – there's a good chance that I won't be around… to watch this baby grow up. You know that, right? Or, maybe worse, that I'll become… incapable. And you'll end up caring for the baby and me. You know that?"

She squeezed his hand. "I know that." She paused. "If anything, Alex, that just makes me want this baby more. If anything happens, then… I'll always have a little bit of you."

He nodded. And, although he couldn't even think how hard it would be to see a baby and know that he might not see it grow up, he knew that this was destiny. And besides… it was comforting to think that there would always be a part of him in the world, even after he had gone.

*~*~*

"Katie!" Chrissie's shout echoed through the quiet house. Katie, who had been sitting in front of the TV, Manda on her lap, carefully placed the baby down, and raced to find her stepmother.

"What's the matter, Chrissie?" she asked, coming to a halt in the kitchen.

Chrissie forced a smile, trying to be brave for the child. "I think that the baby's coming." 

"Really?" Katie looked excited. 

Chrissie nodded. "Yeah. So, can you be really helpful and ring my mum for me, while I go and get my bag ready?"

"Sure!" Katie said, smiling. "Oh my God, I can't believe you're going to have the baby!"

Chrissie sucked in her breath rapidly. "Ahh…"

Katie took her stepmother's arm. "Sit down. I'll get your bag and I'll call your mum. I'll bring Manda to you."

"Thank you, Katie." Chrissie's smile said more than words could ever do.

Katie ran around for a few minutes, tapping her fingers anxiously. She was old enough to understand that what she was doing was important. She sat Manda in her highchair, hurriedly fetched the bag and placed it in the hallway, and dialled Tricia. 

"Hi, this is… it's Katie Davis," she said, haltingly.

"Katie?" Tricia sounded worried immediately. "What's the matter, sweetie?"

"It's Chrissie," Katie replied. "She's having the baby. She wants you here."

Tricia exhaled heavily. "I'll be right there. Well done, Katie, thanks for ringing." 

Within twenty minutes, Tricia had arrived, and was loading Chrissie, Katie, and Manda into her car. She had promised to drive Chrissie to the hospital, leave her in Owen's capable hands, and then go back to take care of the girls. 

"Thanks, Mum," Chrissie said, gratefully. "I wouldn't be able to do this without you."

Tricia smiled. "That's what mums are for, isn't it? Are you alright?"

"A bit uncomfortable, but it'll get worse before it gets better," Chrissie replied.

"That's true," Tricia agreed. "But you've done it once, you can do it again."

"I know. And soon I'll be holding my little boy." Chrissie rubbed her stomach gently. "I can't wait."

Owen was waiting for them in maternity. "Are you okay?" he asked his wife anxiously.

"I'm fine." She kissed his cheek. "You can go, Mum. Owen will take care of me now." 

"Just make sure you do!" Tricia said, playfully, to Owen.

"I will," Owen promised, smiling at his mother-in-law. 

*~*~*

Anita allowed Tom to take her through to see the baby again. She took a deep breath before pushing the door open. Every time she saw that little baby, it reminded her of what had happened. The fact that she had not wanted to be a mother, the fact that she was the one who had put her son, her own baby, in here. She spent most of the time looking at the baby, doing the same as all the other mothers in the special care baby unit. They were doing the same as she was, they were all willing their babies to get better, and yet Anita felt so different from them. Because they couldn't wait until they could take their babies home. Anita was dreading that day.

"How is he?" Tom queried of the nurse.

Anita tuned out the murmur of voices, and focused instead on the baby. A few minutes passed, and she was conscious of Tom walking away. "Where are you going?" she asked, panicking slightly, not wanting to be left alone with the baby.

"To find Josie," he replied. "Stay here."

"By myself?" She was almost hysterical. She didn't want to stay there by herself.

"No. There are nurses around, and there's the baby." He smiled at her gently. He knew what she meant. She might have thought that she was hard to read, but Tom could understand her. He knew that she liked to appear mysterious and in control, but he was able to see when she wasn't. She might have been able to read him better than anyone, but it was a two-way affair. Even if she wasn't aware of that. She might have thought that she was fooling people over the last few weeks, pretending to be falling in love with the baby, but Tom could see that she wasn't. She was only doing it so that she didn't look uncaring and selfish. He knew that that was the last thing that Anita could ever be. But he also knew that she needed an opportunity to do what she had been pretending to do for the past weeks. He was going to give her that. He wanted to spend time with his son, but he knew that Anita needed the time more than he did. And he would rather have died than deprived her of it.

*~*~*

Diane groaned as she sorted through piles of clothes. "God, Ric, couldn't you have told me about this a bit in advance? I need to do _more_ washing."

He laughed. "We're only going for a week."

"I don't have enough clothes to last me for a day," she replied, displaying the wardrobe. "Look. Practically empty."

Ric flicked through the clothes that were hanging there. "Diane, there's lots of clothes here."

"Work clothes." She laughed, and shut the door. "You don't understand about clothes, don't even try."

He smiled at her. "If you say so."

Olivia started screaming. "I'll get her," Diane said. "Can you put all of the clothes on the bed into the case, please?"

"Yes dear," he replied, sarcastically. Diane returned a few moments later, bouncing Olivia on her hip. 

"I think she's teething. Again." Diane placed the baby on the bed, and surrounded her with cushions

"Babies do that, you know." Ric ruffled Olivia's hair, and she moved away, whining. "Hmm, someone doesn't like her Uncle Ric today."

"Good girl, you stay loyal to Mummy," Diane teased.

"See, that's why she's like this," Ric commented, jokingly. 

"Yeah, she takes after her mum." Diane picked Livie up and cuddled her.

*~*~*

"Are you alright, Chrissie?" Owen asked, tentatively. 

Chrissie, her face lined with pain, lay back on the bed. "Do I look alright?"

Owen smiled. "Sorry, that might have been a silly question."

"Might have been?"

He laughed. "I'm very sorry." 

Chrissie groaned, and rubbed her stomach. "Can't I have a c-section?"

"No you can't." He squeezed her hand supportively. Luckily, it had been a fairly quiet day, and he was able to spend most of his time with Chrissie. 

"Why not? You're the boss around here… please?" she begged.

"Chrissie, it'll all be over in a very short time." 

"You said that an hour ago!" she complained. "It hurts, Owen. I bet you'd be complaining more than this if you had a person coming out of your –"

"Stop right there," Owen cautioned her. "You'll regret saying this when it's over."

"I'm sure I won't. I don't have many regrets." She moaned in pain. "Can I at least have some sort of pain killers?"

"You can't have an epidural because you're nearly ready to push." 

"I was nearly ready to push an hour ago as well. You have a weird definition of 'a short time'," Chrissie told him.

Owen rubbed her back. "I know that you—"

Chrissie cut him off with a moan of pain. As she subsided, she smiled at him. "I'm glad you're here, you know."

"Yeah, you really seem glad."

She laughed. "I know. I'm sorry. But… when it was Amanda, I know, I know, it was my fault, but I didn't like going through it on my own."

"Tricia was there."

"That's not really the same." Chrissie smiled at him. "She's my mother, I know she loves me, but I'd rather that you were with me."

"I'm with you now."

"And that's all that matters." 

*~*~*

Timidly, Anita approached the incubator and looked at the baby. She had never seen him so close up before. She looked around self-consciously. What was she supposed to do now? The room was empty, apart from the baby and a nurse, busy with paperwork on the far side of the room. And Anita had never felt so alone.

The baby had his eyes closed and his hands balled up into fists. He wasn't connected to any tubes or wires anymore, except for the one that was helping him breathe. He had black hair – "I hope he gets your hair," Tom had said. She had laughed and agreed, before trying to change the subject. 

Anita sat down awkwardly. "Hi." Her voice sounded loud, rising above the steady beeping and whirring of the monitors. And her mind went blank. What could she say to a baby? A baby who was probably asleep, or unconscious. He wouldn't understand her even if he could hear her. 

She looked around the room again, and then back to the baby. Right. She was going to do this if it killed her. "So…" she began, hesitantly. "Ah, your father says I should talk to you." She wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Laugh, because it was so absurd. So stupid, that she didn't know what to say to her own son. Cry, because… it was so absurd. She didn't know what to say to her own son. She was horrified to feel tears slipping down her cheeks. She rubbed her hands over her face hurriedly, and leaned towards the baby, shielding her face from the glances of strangers. Except the baby. He was the strangest stranger of them all. But she didn't want him to be. This was her son, and she wanted so badly to feel something other than worry, than fear, when she thought about him.

Her voice tearful, she spoke again. "I'm sorry. I wish I could have done it differently." She reached out a hand and touched his cheek gently. "None of this is your fault. You shouldn't be here. You should be safe and – and healthy. It's my fault. I'm sorry."

*~*~*

"Knock-knock," Jess called out, entering through the open door of Diane and Ric's house. She dragged Alex in behind her.

"Jess?" Ric asked, appearing at the top of the stairs, a pile of Olivia's clothes in his arms.

"Diane's got you doing her washing?" Alex queried, laughing.

Ric smiled. "No. We're going away, remember?"

"And because _someone_ didn't say anything, I don't have anything ready," Diane put in, coming up behind Ric. She put her arms around his waist and he laughed, dropping half of the baby clothes.

"Well, if _someone_ kept up to date with their washing, then _someone_ might not be having this rush," he teased.

"Get a room!" Jess told them, groaning. They laughed, and came downstairs.

"So, why're you here?" Diane queried.

"Not that we don't _love_ to see you," Ric added.

Diane led the way into the kitchen, and began taking washing out of the washing machine. "Anyone want a drink? Coffee? Jess, Alex?"

"None for me, then?" Ric asked, jokingly. 

"You live here, you get your own!" Diane laughed. "Jess, Alex, coffee?"

"No, I'm fine thanks," Alex replied. 

"Same here," Jess agreed.

"So… why are you here?" Diane asked again, perching herself on the worktop with a mug.

"Well, we've got some news," Alex started, gesturing for Jess to continue.

"God help us, they're getting married and want me to pay," Ric sighed, theatrically.

"No-o," Jess faltered. 

"What, then?" Ric asked.

Jess sent an anguished look towards Alex, who spoke. "Well, ah, you're going to be a grandfather," he told Ric.

Diane smiled. "Oh my God, you're pregnant? Congratulations!"

"You're pregnant?" Ric asked, in a not-so-happy tone.

"Dad, Dad, it's a good thing," Jess insisted, smiling. "Really. Alex is pleased, I'm pleased. We're going to keep this baby. We want this baby." She took Ric's hand gingerly. "Dad, please, be happy for us. This is the best thing to ever happen to me – to us."

Ric looked stern for a moment longer, but finally relented. "Then I'm happy for you. As long as you're happy." He hugged Jess. "You're my little girl, it's just hard to believe that you're old enough to be a mummy."

She laughed. "I'll always be your little girl, Dad, whatever happens."

"So, Ric's going to be a grandpa?" Diane laughed.

Alex looked mischievous. "If you want, you can be grandma."

If looks could have killed, Alex would have dropped dead. "No, but thanks all the same," Diane replied. 

Alex nodded, but privately resolved to teach the baby to call Diane "grandma" the moment it was able to speak.

*~*~*

"Anita?" Tom asked, gently, as he entered the room to find her crying by the baby's side. "Are you alright?"

"No," she choked out, tearfully. "I'm not alright."

Tom took her arm and led her into her room. "What's the matter?"

"What do you think?" she demanded, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. "Tom, he's going to die, isn't he?"

"Who told you that?" He was shocked, and, suddenly, terrified that Owen or Mubbs had told her something. Something that he never wanted to hear.

"Is it true?" she countered.

He shook his head. "No one's told me anything of the sort. Anita, he's got a chance. A good chance. He's put on a lot of weight recently, and every time I ask the nurses, they say he's getting better, getting stronger."

"Really?" In those few silent minutes she had spent alone with her son, something had happened to Anita. She wasn't quite sure what, but she knew that suddenly, she wanted her son to live. Needed him to live. 

"He's going to make it, Anita. I promise." Where were the words coming from? He didn't know. But he did know that he meant them. He wanted to believe them as much as she did. But, no matter how much they said it, they had no control over it.

But he had done what he could. He knew that, and she knew that. Seeing her eyes fill with tears again, he pulled her into a hug and let her cry. It was what she needed. And, as she sobbed in his arms, he cried too. 

*~*~*

Kath sighed as the call button went again. Zubin, standing a few metres away, smiled. "Getting impatient with poor Mrs Grayson?"

Kath laughed, half-heartedly. "No. She's old, and if I was in that much pain, I'm sure that I'd be a lot worse than she is." She made her way over to Mrs Grayson's bed, Zubin following. 

"What's the matter, Mrs Grayson?" she queried.

"Pain." The old woman looked around. 

Zubin approached the bed, and began to change the morphine dosage. Mrs Grayson smiled. "Well, you're a wonderful man. You can ease the pain, _and_ you're handsome."

Kath laughed, and Mrs Grayson looked at her. "Don't you think he's handsome?"

Kath looked Zubin up and down critically, ignoring his embarrassed look. Finally, she smiled. "Very handsome."

*~*~*

Anita had cried until there were no tears left, and was just leaning sleepily against Tom, exhausted from everything. She had barely slept in the past three weeks. She had hardly eaten. She had kept all of her emotions bottled up, and had only just allowed herself to cry. And she was still worried. But worried wasn't a strong enough word… she was terrified that something might happen, praying that the baby would survive, that she wouldn't have to live with this never-ending torture. 

"Why?" she asked softly.

Tom looked at her. "What did you say, sorry?"

"Why?" she repeated. "Why did it happen?"

Tom turned to face her. "I don't know. We were in a car crash because someone was drunk at the wheel of his car. You were seriously injured and they had to deliver our baby nearly three months early."

She sighed. "I know that. I just meant… why? In general. Why was that guy driving when he was drunk? Why does our baby have to go through this? Why do _we_ have to go through this?" She looked down at her hands. "Maybe it would have been better if I'd have died that night."

He took her hand in his and spoke sternly. "Don't ever say that, Anita."

"Why not?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Tom, there has to be a reason that that crash happened. There has to have been a reason that I was dead for a few minutes."

"And there has to be a reason that you pulled through." He sighed. "Anita, there is a reason that a girl looked out of her bedroom window and saw you there. There's a reason that she knew how to resuscitate you. There's a reason she was able to call an ambulance. She saved your life, and for that, I am more grateful to her than I can ever say. Anita, do you realise how much we need you? How much people rely on you?"

"I don't want them to." It sounded childish and petty, but it was true. Just for once, she wanted to hide away from the world, to be allowed to have her own problems for once, and not to have to help other people. 

"Do you mean that?" he asked, gently. "Would you really like to know that no one wanted you, no one needed your help?"

She smiled slightly. "I thought I was meant to be the psychiatrist."

"You are. I'm not trying to undermine you," he reassured her. "I'm just saying…"

"I know. You're good." She gave a half-hearted laugh. "You're right. I'd hate it." She smiled at him. "Thank you."

*~*~*

"Where's my passport?" Diane asked, panicked.

Ric smiled. "Are you always this nervous when you're travelling?"

She laughed. "Yes. Do you have the passports?" she added, looking tense again. 

He patted his pocket. "Relax. I've got them." 

Diane manoeuvred Olivia's pushchair through the revolving doors. "I'm sorry, I get tense about flying. And I panic."

Ric took the pushchair and handed the bags to Diane. "It'll be fine."

*~*~*

Mubbs knocked softly on the door of Anita's room, and went in. Tom held up a hand, and gestured to Anita, who was sleeping, her head on his lap.

Mubbs smiled, and spoke quietly. "I came to ask if you wanted us to bring the baby in here. You can hold him if you want. But, you don't have to wake her up…"

Tom shook his head. "I will. I can't feel my legs any more, anyway," he added, with a laugh. He touched Anita's face gently. "Anita? Wake up."

Anita's eyelids flickered for a few seconds, and she sat up, yawning. "What?" she mumbled, sleepily. 

"Mr Hussein wanted to know if we wanted him to bring the baby in here so that we could hold him." He kept a close eye on her face, not wanting to force her into anything. "You don't have to if you don't want to, you know that."

Anita smiled. "I do want to."

Mubbs disappeared, and Tom put an arm around Anita. "Are you sure?"

"You know, you can take this caring husband thing a bit too far," she told him. "I'm sure. I need to do this. You were right."

"I was right? Well, I don't think you've ever said that before," Tom joked, standing up.

She was about to reply, but stopped as she saw the baby. Mubbs stopped by the door, and let Rosie in. She carefully picked the baby up, and gently placed him in Anita's arms before she had a chance to say anything. Before she could think about it, before she could change her mind. 

"We'll leave you alone," Mubbs offered, heading for the door, followed by Rosie.

Anita shot Tom a panicked look. He smiled reassuringly at her, and called to Rosie and Mubbs. "Will he be alright with us?"

Rosie smiled. "Just remember that he's very small. He can't hold his head up or anything, so just be careful with him." She glanced at Anita. "Don't look so nervous. You won't break him."

"He's so small," she replied, struggling to put her fears into words.

Rosie laughed. "He'll be fine. He'll let you know if he isn't." With that, she left, closing the door behind her. It shut with a resounding click. A very final sound.

Tom smiled at Anita, who was still not looking at the baby. He sat down next to her. "Look at him."

She shot a frightened look at Tom first, but then glanced down at the baby. "He's tiny."

"He's a lot bigger than he was."

Suddenly a feeling of panic overwhelmed her, and she could have screamed. "You hold him," she blurted out, passing him over quickly, and standing up, trying to catch her breath.

Tom looked at her, concernedly. "Are you alright?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. I'm fine, but, I – he's so small. How can I look after him?" She was taking deep breaths, trying to calm down, to rid herself of these feelings.

"Sit down," he told her. As she did so, he continued. "Hold him." He gently placed the baby in her arms again, and, ignoring the terrified expression on her face, stood up and moved towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"For a walk. You get to know your son." He opened the door.

"Don't…" She stopped suddenly. 

"Talk to him."

"I don't know what to talk about."

He smiled at her. "About anything. I'm sure he won't mind. Or… or sing to him, or something. Just get to know your son." With that, he left.

*~*~*

"I think you've got some visitors," Rosie told Chrissie and Owen, stepping back to allow Tricia, Katie, and Manda in. Katie immediately rushed forward to look at her new brother, Tricia walking in more sedately. Manda just held out her arms to her father, wanting to be picked up.

"Aww, he's so cute!" Katie whispered, looking from the baby to Chrissie. "What's his name?"

Tricia took a look at the baby. "He looks like you, Chrissie."

"Poor thing," Owen joked, holding Amanda up so that she could see the new arrival. "This is your little brother, Mandy."

"What's his name?" Katie repeated. 

Chrissie smiled. "Well, we had a few disagreements, because we'd each chosen names, and we hadn't discussed it. But eventually…"

"We compromised," Owen finished.

"And…?" Katie was getting impatient.

Owen laughed. "Connor."

Tricia and Katie cooed over the name. "That's such a cute name!" Katie commented. 

"Connor suits him," Tricia added.

Owen and Chrissie exchanged an amused look. "You know, you'd probably have said that whatever we named him suited him," Chrissie remarked, smiling. "Didn't you say something very similar about Manda?"

Tricia laughed. "Well, of course. It's only politeness. But Connor _does_ suit him."

Owen put Manda down gently on the bed. "Meet your little brother, Mandy."

Chrissie reached out a hand, and took Amanda onto her lap as well. A lot had changed since Amanda was born. Then, she had looked at the baby in her arms fearfully, worried about how she would cope as a single mother. Now, she was holding this baby joyously, happy in the knowledge that Owen would be helping her every step of the way. 

*~*~*

Anita looked down at the baby, apprehensively. He was asleep. Or, he had his eyes closed. She wasn't quite sure. How was she meant to tell? But, as she watched, his tiny arm moved.

"Hey," she whispered. Upon hearing the sound, he opened his eyes, and looked up at her. She was startled. She touched his hand gently, and was shocked as his fist closed around her fingers. "You've got a tight grip," she commented. As he looked at her again, and waved his hand around, she smiled at him. "Hey. I'm… I'm your mummy." 

Maybe it had taken a while, but she was able to say it. And she meant it. She was still scared – no, scared was too mild a word, she was terrified – but she was going to do whatever it took to make it work. 

After a few more moments of silence she spoke again. "So, what should we talk about, ey?" Unsurprisingly, he didn't answer. "Well, I didn't really expect you to have much input. You can't speak yet, and even if you could, I doubt you've got much idea about conversation in three weeks of lying in a cot." He kicked aimlessly with his foot. "Well, your daddy said I should sing to you. What do you think of that?" He gazed up at her. "I'll take that as a yes, then."

Here in the silence I say a prayer  
Though I've never seen you somehow I know you're there  
You're in the faces of the people that I meet  
You're as silent as the Earth beneath my feet  
So if I should complain that all I have is not enough  
Forgive me, I've been given so much  
  


"So," Kath began. "A fancy restaurant, you paying… I could get used to this, Zubin."

He laughed. "Don't get too used to it. If you want that sort of thing, you need to find a consultant to date."

Kath pretended to think. "Well, Ric and Tom are both taken…"

"Well, I'm a good second best," he joked. He sobered. "Kath, I brought you here to tell you something."

Kath took a sip of wine, trying not to look too nervous. That was never a good start to a sentence. The last time she had heard a sentence like that, Terry had asked her to help him die. She didn't think that Zubin was dying, but she still didn't like the way he was phrasing this.

Zubin sat in silence for a few minutes, trying to pluck up the courage to speak. Eventually, he took a deep breath, and spoke. "Well, I think I'll just say this. That's probably the easiest way… unless of course you're telepathic?" He chuckled at his joke. "No, you're not, because if you were, you'd have said something a while ago."

"You're babbling," Kath commented. "What's the matter?"

He smiled, and took her hand. "I love you."

She smiled back at him, breathing a gentle sigh of relief. "I thought you were going to say something awful." She squeezed his hand. "I love you."

_And I am blessed, every time I look into my baby's eyes  
I think of all the friends who've touched my life  
I realise in a world where some have more and some have less  
I have love and I am blessed  
  
_

Tom paused outside the door. Glancing through the window, he saw Anita, sitting cross-legged on the bed, gently rocking the baby. He smiled, and pushed the door open. As it closed with a click, Anita looked up, slightly embarrassed. "Oh, hi."

"You look happier," Tom commented. He crossed over to the bed, and sat down, putting his arm around Anita.

"I am happier." She smiled up at him. "Happier than I've ever been in my life, in fact. So… thank you." She looked a bit awkward, but he didn't seem to notice. She kissed him on the cheek, and moved her arm slightly. "Do you want to hold him?"

"No. No, you're happy holding him, I'll let you carry on." He did want to hold the baby, but he wanted to see Anita hold him as well. He smiled. "I feel quite the proud father here." Not only proud of the baby, of what he and Anita had created, but proud of Anita. Proud of her for getting through this. For being able to change her mind. For being so strong.

  
_So many changes this world can put you through  
Sometimes it's hard to find a way if a heart can get confused  
But then I hold you and it all falls into place  
You've given me what time cannot erase  
So when I'm feeling down or feel sorry for myself  
I look around and it's easy to tell_

Olivia held out her hands to Diane, wanting to be picked up. 

"Getting bored, angel?" Diane asked the baby.

"Mama."

Diane looked at Ric, amazed, thrilled, disbelieving, all at once. "Did you hear what I just heard?" She didn't wait for a reply. "She said 'mama', didn't she?"

Ric smiled. "I think she did." He put an arm around Diane and Olivia, and kissed Diane's hair gently.

_That I am blessed, every time I look into my baby's eyes  
I think of all the friends who touched my life  
I realise in a world where some have more and some have less  
I have love and I am blessed  
  
_

Josie tentatively pushed the door open. "Hi," she whispered, not wanting to break the almost reverent silence in the room.

"Come and see this," Tom told her, looking briefly up from the baby, his arm still around Anita.

Josie crossed the room, eager to see the baby. She made a few complimentary comments to please them, and then pulled a camera out of her bag. "Right then. First family photo."

"Oh no!" Anita said, instantly. "No way. I'm not wearing any makeup, I've spent most of today crying, I must look a sight." Anita's attention was distracted as the baby moved, and Josie took advantage of the fact that neither of them were looking, and took a photo.

"Jo!" Anita complained. "We weren't even smiling."

"Weren't you?" Josie asked, laughing. She gestured to a mirror on the wall. "Look at yourself, Anita. I've never seen you smile so much."

Anita, curious, glanced in the direction that Josie was pointing. It was true. She was smiling. But then, she thought, looking at the image reflected in the mirror, the image of a mother, a father, and a baby, who wouldn't be? 

_Every time I look into my baby's eyes  
I realise  
I think of all the friends who touched my life_

Diane bounced the baby on her knee for a moment. "Ric, can you look in that bag, there's a bottle in there. She's probably hungry."

Ric rustled through the bag, and pulled out a bottle. "Here you go, Livie. You can have this if you can say Ric."

"Oh, Ric, don't be so mean!" Diane exclaimed. "She's not gonna be able to say Ric, is she?"

Livie held out her hands for the bottle. "Dada."

Ric froze, glancing at Diane anxiously. She paused for a moment, letting memories wash over her. Memories of Steve, of Ric, of her pregnancy, of Olivia's life so far. Mentally, she shook herself. The past was not what she needed to be thinking about now. She had no reason to dwell on what had happened at that point in her life. She didn't need to look back on her past – all that mattered was what she had got out of it. And she had gained so much. She had her daughter and she had Ric. That was all that mattered. Live for the present. Dream for the future, but live in the present. So she smiled at Ric, and then glanced down at Livie.

"Yeah. That's your dada."

_And I am blessed   
Every time I look into my baby's eyes   
I think of all the friends who have touched my life  
I realise you've given me such peace and happiness  
In this world where some have more and some have less  
I am loved  
And I am blessed_


End file.
